58 year old Seattle software developer mourns loss of exercise ball

58 year old Seattle software developer mourns loss of exercise ball

An exercise ball, known otherwise as a "yoga ball", "gymnastic ball", "fitness ball", or , "Large Ass Support"  is an elastic, puncture resistant device usually used by yoga trainers, people in physical therapy, and sometimes overweight software developers. 58 year old Seattle software developer and video game fan "Gabe Newell" recalls, in this heartwarming story, when he lost something of immense support to him but gained something else altogether. 


"When girls would ask for my phone number, I'd just write down my weight. It wasn't far off." - Gabe Newell, 58, fan of PC games "Half-Life", "Counter-Strike", and "Alex"

"I've always had bad posture. And I've been pretty big. I'm a big fella. Ever since I was a kid, you know, they'd make fun of me in school. They'd call me "Trunk Butt", "Bowser Ass", "Hippo trunk", to name a few.

"Jabba the Game Developer", remarks John Romero, creator of the financially unsuccesful M-Rated game "Daikatana", which sold over 100 copies in 2001. "We used to call him that, too."

Recounting that nickname, Newell said, "Fuck Romero."

On his choice to use an exercise ball instead of a conventional computer chair, Newell said "Man, it just was good for my posture, my weight, my overall health. You know, one can develop all kinds of health problems just sitting in a normal chair for 6 to 8 hours a day, like 'Deep Bunghole Thrombosis'. Just a thromboid, right in your asshole," said Newell, who is not a doctor, to shacknews. "The exercise ball really  helped me get my LIFE under control."

"Back in the day, everybody made fun of me. I mean, even the African American kids would say, 'Hey, look at ol' bumpy over there.", Said Gabe to Shacknews, "They'd say; 'Oh lawd here that fat n**** comin'. Oh lawd, watch out. Lawd, WATCH out now! He comin'," Newell reported, on his treatment during elementary school.

[picture above; Rashad Houston-Pharrel Henderson III and friends, former classmates of Newell]

For no particular reason, Shacknews showed a recent photograph of the 58 year old  to a group of his old high-school friends. Recalling him, Rashad said "[laughs] Yeah I remeber that n****, he'd roll up in computer science class, and we'd all have regular chairs, you know, swivel seats an shit, but this Nutty Professor-ass n**** would roll in with a motha fuckin' gym ball underneath his ass. [laughs uncontrollably] Yeah I remember that n**** [laughs]", said Rashad, 32, resident of Detroit and former classmante of Newell's.

On Newell's exercise ball, Detroit rapper, friend of Rashad's and former classmate of Newell's DeJoshua Garnett Jones said, "[laughs uncontrollably] "Yeah I remember ol' Santa Bearclause. That n**** got Half Life 3, 4, 5 and 6 in this n****'s underpants I bet, you feel me my n**** [laughs] you feel me? Man, god damn." said DeJoshua, laughing uncontrollably. 

As of the printing of this article, the whereabouts of Newell's exercise ball are unknown. The location of the ball is, like the release date of Half-Life 3, shrouded in mystery.

On the ball's mysterious disapperance, one source , a senior employee of Valve Software who wished to remain anonymous said, "Are you fucking serious?" The anonymous employee continued, "Man, I don't know. Maybe the billions of dollars he earned off of our hard work got stored in his ass as loose change, and that's why his ass is so fat, and also why his ass destroyed the ball?"

Already, fake auctions on the popular website "eBay" have gone up, offering gaming historians and collectors the chance to own the illustrious ball for as much as 10,000 dollars.

"Normally I wouldn't mourn the loss of something material. You know, I own a multi-bilion dollar company. I can buy whatever I want. But I'd owned this thing ever since the beginning. It was a part of me." Said Newell. "I want it back. I want it back so fucking bad."

"There's no telling how many farts vibrated through, and coasted the surface of that exercise ball. I will miss it forever. Fuck, man.", Newell reported , sobbing.

[pictured above; Newell, adult billionaire, playing video games next to a trash bin]

"I'll probably buy another one someday. I don't know." Said Newell.


This story is developing 


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