Controversy: Horizon: Zero Dawn dinosaurs file

Controversy: Horizon: Zero Dawn dinosaurs file "inhumane treatment" lawsuit against protaganist, dev

Controversy over the hygienic habits of the protaganist "Aloy" in the video game "Horizon: Zero Dawn" is reaching a veritable peak, and here at Shacknews we aim to cover all aspects of the story. Mr. Sleepy, Senior African-American correspondent reports from within a VR simulation of Horizon: Zero Dawn, the action video game. Apparently Aloy, a cavewoman, has a hygiene problem, and it is bothering the mechanical beasts from within the game. 


The mechanical dinosaurs, more specifically the "Combat Class Machines" who play an antagonistic role in the video game Horizon: Zero Dawn (PC, PS4) have filed a lawsuit against the protaganist and the developer Geurilla Games, who are known for their "Killzone" series which had sold more than a thousand copies worldwide.

"I was minding my own business, when a smelly cavewoman lept from a bush and tackled me. I defended myself because she tried to kill me. I barely escaped with my life, which is okay, because I'm an A.I., but dude, she's a cavewoman. Does she really need to smell that bad? I mean..."

A Sawtooth-class machine, when asked about working conditions said "We're scripted to react in certain ways, but really, we can smell her from several miles regardless."

Claims made by the "machine-dinosaurs" describe an inhumane working environment resulting from the hygienic condition of the protaganist, who is a cavewoman, combined with the fact of certain bathing features being removed from the game prior to release. The lawsuit cites a violation of the contractual agreement between the NPC's and the developer guaranteeing "humane conditions", "equal treatment", and "the ability to perform the duties assigned, scripted and designed by the developers." 

When asked about working conditions with the protaganist in Horizon: Zero dawn, a "Snapmaw" machine said the following: "Aloy can be violent and unpredictable. But, really, that's not the worse part. The worst part is she just smells like a plague of ass. That is the worst part. No, man, I'm serious; she smells like death. That's why we are asking for showers, or bathing feature in the sequel. It's ridiculous. She fucking smells."

"Aloy came out of nowhere, smelling like B.O. like you would not believe. I will never forget it. There is plenty of water around in the game; she can bathe. We, the dinosaurs are only asking for a bathing feature in the sequel. That's it."

"Sam Porter literally has a shower in Death Stranding. So why can't Aloy? The devs clearly know how to program one. We know we're the bad guys and that we have to die. But her B.O. is something worse than death. She's a fucking CAVE WOMAN. So, please, deodorant sticks as a craftable item, PLEASE. Something must be done about this."

Players of PC Gamer's 2020 Game of the year "Death Stranding", designed by Japanese man Hideo Kojima can report that showering, bathing is an option in that title. Asked about Sam Porter's hygiene in Death Stranding, a member of DOOMS who requested to remain anonymous said; "Oh, Sam? Yeah, he showers. He's cool. I think the player has to shower to save the game, or something. Or to re-stock items. We appreciate it. It's really no problem at all." 

On H:ZD's working conditions, a "Fireclaw" machine reported "In earlier versions of the game, Aloy could craft deoderant. We'd put up a fight, fall in combat and respawn when the level reloaded. We were happy to die, over and over during play testing, because we were doing the job we signed up for. But since they removed that feature, the overwhelming bodily order murders us at the level of our soul first, and then we die, and it just repeats unbearably over and over again. Someone has to speak up. It's not humane at all. Homegirl needs a shower."

"That fucking murderous hippie held me in a headlock. and pressed her armpit against my nostrils, and by god, I prayed for a speedy death!"

A "Scorcher", which is a combat class machine in HZ:D said "Aloy can craft any number of gadgets to kill, main, explode, or dismantle us, but nothing stands in comparison to the vicious miasma steaming from this woman's un-washed ass and bergina. Enough is enough." 

When asked about working conditions in H:ZD and Aloy's hygiene, a "Stormbird", which is another type of combat class machine said "I don't know what tribe or clan Aloy comes from, but it's obvious they don't live near any bodies of water. Homegirl stinks to high hell. Seriously, she stinks like concentrated shit. Man, you have no fucking idea, until you have been in our shoes. Something has to change. I try not to go anywhere NEAR her, but my scripting forces me to."

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