Sleepy: Hey, Antoni. First of all, I want to thank you for agreeing to do this interview. Times must be hard right now with everything going in the world abroad and the world in the office. Where's your mind at?
"Fuck. I don't know, man. Just this morning, I ate 40ounces of leftover Kielbasa I had in my refrigerator.You are, eh, familiar with this cuisine?"
Sleepy: I've never eaten Kielbasa, no.
"Kielbasa, man. Good shit. I still have some left. Do you want some"
Sleepy: No, not really.
Sleepy: Ok. So what happened with Cyberpunk? Where are you guys at now?
"Yeah well anyway, yeah things at the office are a bit hectic right now. We are trying to figure out how the fuck the Switch version of CP2077 got uploaded to Sony's PS4 servers. And how people managed to even download it and run it is a miracle in and of itself. That's the biggest task right now. No one has taken responsibility for it. We've been lying to Sony for over a month, avoiding the legal ramifications of uploading uncertified apps from a competing platform. Big trouble, no good."
Sleepy: That's very interesting, Antoni. Do I understand correctly that the version uploaded to Sony's PS4 servers was in fact the Nintendo Switch version?
"Of course it was! LOOK at it! Why do you think it runs and looks like such dog shit! That version was heavily optimized to run on the Switch. We never finished it. We got pretty close,though. And then we accidentally uploaded it to Sony's servers for ps4. "
Sleepy: I find that very hard to believe. CDPR had never formally announced that a Switch port was even in development.
"Believe it, my brotha."
Sleepy: Can you not call me that?
"Oh, sorry. Forgive me, but I thought American black guys call each other that?
Sleepy: Are you an American black guy?
"Well, no, but In Poland, we party like black people. What do you think we have been doing for 10 years? Making video games? You feel me, Jive Rooster? We drop it like its hot "
"I am from the Polish countryside, very far from Turkey."
Sleepy: No, it's "Jive Turkey", not "Jive Rooster". No one says that anymore anyway. I don't want to hang out with you.
"Suit yourself my comrade. Anyway yeah, CP2077 is fucked. I served a lead design role in the game and I have not touched it in 4 years. I don't really care about it anymore. You should come to Poland, Mr. Sleepy. i could show you a good time. In Poland we get very serious when it comes to partying , my guy . "
Sleepy: I told you I don't want to hang out with you.
"Suit yourself my guy"
Sleepy: If the version that was uploaded to the PS4 store was the switch version, what happened to the actual PS4 SKU and why not just upload that one instead?
"Because it's not done. We never finished it. We had all of these government subsidies and spent virtually all of it on other shit."
Sleepy: "Other shit", like what, specifically?
"Mostly hosting Kielbasa cook offs. We spent all of the money on Polish sausage. Millions and millions of dollars cultivating the finest pork, beef, veal sausage and organizing unbelievable huge events with celebrities and chefs. SO many different styles of Kielbasa. Like Krakowska, which is a thick, straight hot-smoked type with garlic and pepper. "Wiejska" veal sausage with marjoram and garlic, very much so a country staple. 100% of the money we have made since "release" has been spent on more Polish sausage.
Sleepy: Are you serious?
"Yup have you ever had Kabanos? It is a thin, air-dried sausage flavored with caraway seed, originally made with Pork. But you can use the same technique with Beef. There's also Weselna, "wedding sausage" ,very very very Polish."
Sleepy: I think we're getting off-topic, Antoni...
"Are you mad at me about the black thing"
Sleepy: Not really? But..
..."Then I have a suggestion for you. So we seriously need some black talent here. You should come work for us, we are rebranding the whole company to "CDPB".
Sleepy: What is "CDPB?"
"CD Project Black"
Sleepy: I knew it.
"Because we are releasing 30 days late get it haahahhahahahahahahah"
Sleepy: Jesus Christ, man.
"I'm just fucking with you comrade. I am telling you; Once the EU lifts the travel restrictions and Americans can enter, you need to come here and fucking party with us my caramel comrade. You can try all of our finest Polish Sausages here: Mysliwska, Old Countryside flavor, garnished with fried onions and cut pieces, smoked kielbasa too did you know it can be served cold, hot, boiled, baked or grilled? In Poland we have a saying, "Kielbasa; Kayangriska Nyet Kovbaso Nie Ucz Ojca Robux Dzieci Rzeklo Kbylka Nie Dlh wszstkch Slovo Csersigryab "
Sleepy: Do I even want to know what that means?
"It roughly translates to : Kielbasa: Shes mighty flexible and versatile and like your whore mother, you can have her any which way you want."
Sleepy: This is the most offensive interview I've ever conducted.
"Lmaaooooooooo bro lighten up come party with us Come to Poland my guy"
Sleepy: I don't think I want to.
"Don't worry, my guy. Fuck CP2077. Why? Because it sucks, anyway. Now we focus on the main reason for all scientific and social endeavoring: the cultivation of Polish Sausage. This is the end goal, for sure. Dont tell anybody about the switch port thing, okay? Or I will have some "Kolbasz" show up to your fucking house, cut your Mr Marcus into pieces and make blood sausage out of it. Hahahaha, I just joke, my friend, but please tell everybody that we are beginning work on Cyberpunk 2077 very soon here.
Sleepy: What exactly do you want me to tell them?
"Tell them this: sometime during this decade, or the next decade, CDPR will announce plans, to announce dates, whereupon which we will announce meetings to announce further dates. These announcements will concern which decade we will begin announcing meetings to discuss previous announcements about when we will resume patching Cyberpunk 2077. In truth, we have very little idea of what we uploaded on release day, and are still trying to figure it out. We have no idea how to fix or improve whatever it is people spent their money on. I only have a rough approximation of what is in the game at this point. It's still an RTS, right? "
Sleepy: Antoni, How did things get this bad ?
"Hahah i dont know man lol ahahahaaaaaaa "
Mr. Sleepy is the Senior Urban correspondent for Shacknews.com, musician and part-time writer and contributor to gaming websites.