This has been a pretty rough weekend for President Trump's social media accounts and ego, as he has been banned from just about every platform. Even Pinterest. Adding to the mess is the news that Parler, the right-wing nutjob platform, has been removed from Google Play and the App Store. Amazon even joined in on the fun by withdrawing server support. This has lead the disenfranchised billionaire president to a somewhat predictable conclusion.
TrumpNet is set to launch in the next few weeks, and it is more than a social media app. No Internet Service Providers (ISPs) are willing to host or support the new platform because Trump supporters are so fucking awful, but that didn't stop the president.
TrumpNet will be a full-fledged ISP and social media platform for the absolute worst people in America. The standards for moderation will be below that of 4Chan, 8Chan, and even Super Milk Chan. Wanna post death threats or incite violence? TrumpNet has you covered!
Adding to the fun of TrumpNet will be a completely full-featured matching service for prostitutes and rich white people. Trump loves the ladies, and this last week of insurrection and bans has him feeling pretty randy. No word on if Stormy Daniels will join the platform, but we are sure plenty of ladies of the night will be lining up to spank the president for being the bad boy he is.
But wait, there's more! TrumpNet will also feature the world's best online casino. As his last Executive Order, Trump plans on granting himself an exemptiom from current online gambling laws. TrumpNet is set to feature online blackjack, and even other games like roulette or craps. Hopefully, you don't get tired of all the winning.
Speaking of craps, TrumpNet will not censor any posts. So ladies with any videos of themselves dumping on Trump's chest for money are free to post on the platform. We can only hope that Trump's BFF Vladimir Putin will post the long-awaited pee tape to TrumpNet.
If you are feeling down about Parler being shuttered by big tech, TrumpNet is almost here for you. The president will be funding the platform with what remains of his election campaign fund and a bunch of money he borrowed from Russia.
No word on a release date, but Trump has a great track record of perfect rollouts. Who could forget his amazing healthcare plan, or the tremendous job he has done distributing vaccines across the country? Not Trump, that's for sure.
We have no words on pricing, but the service will likely be as overpriced as those dogshit Sharper Image steaks since it has the Trump brand name on it. There are also rumors of a TrumpNet+ streaming video service that will launch alongside the new social media ISP. Some are speculating that we could see a revival of The Apprentice TV series, filmed entirely from prison. It would be called The Accomplice.
These last four years of the Trump administration have been exhausting, but at least it looks like things will turn out just fine for the president. Because rich white billionaires are never held accountable for anything. Ever.
- posted by Yair Goldfinger
Header picture courtesy of Getty Images. Please don't sue us.