How to Write for Shantynews!

How to Write for Shantynews!

Some useful tips when writing for Shantynews!

[deleted] 39885873

How to Write For Shantynews

Are you a third-string staff member on an obscure, unprofitable video game website? Did you miss your calling as a comedian or at least an actual journalist?  Have student loans to pay? Do they even pay you in anything other than questionable alt-coins? Has your boss not responded to you on Slack in six months? 

Don't be sad. Publish a Shantynews article! You don't even have to use your real name. We realize that not everyone around here can be David Craddock.

Here are some helpful tips to get you started:

Shit on the Chatty Community

  I mean, fucking hell, this shithole is positively infested with mediocre, middle-aged white men who work in tech. They're all pushing 40 now and won't shut the fuck up about how much Cyberpunk sucks.  Donald Trump might be out of the White House, but you can bet your freshly shorn scrotum they'll continue publishing a daily political thread where they can beat all nuance into the ground in a contest to see who can be more of a frothing socialist. 

  These obnoxious fucks make a perfect punching bag. Just have it at, they'll probably even lol-tag you while you're in the process of telling them how fucking pathetic they all are.  It's cheaper for most of them than paying for cock and ball torture on Backpage.

 Since "Delete your account" and "Cancel your Mercury Subscription" have already been covered, i'll charitably suggest some other topics. How about "Shut the Fuck Up About Your Mercury Rewards," or the promising "Please Fucking Kill Yourselves Already, No, Seriously." Those two are free. You're welcome.

Just Make Dick Jokes or Something

   I don't know, talk about a reporter self-fellating. That's classy. Or recycle jokes about registering WinRAR. Hell at this point just post something funny you saw on Reddit. It works for half the top chatty posters, I don't see why it wouldn't work for you. If you drive enough page views you might even get rewarded with a spicy meme, maybe of that lumberjack guy nodding in approval. That sort of validation really has no price tag.

Take a Break, Loosen Up

  It's hard work writing a hundred SEO articles a day where the title is a question and the answer is "No." But this is what you got a degree for, after all. Take a break now and then and just use Shantynews as a way to unwind and release all the impotent rage building within you. Afterwards you can daydream about working at the Onion or maybe even the Babylon Bee. Just... don't look at your student loan balance. Just don't. This is not crying time. That's later, when you're alone and have lotion. 

Whatever You Do, Hold The Pedal To The Floor

  Wow, did you write an article and the whole thing just seems unncessarily spiteful and mean? Should you revise it a little - maybe dial it back just a bit to be more in line with the sort of feisty but good natured spirit Shacknews has always represented until now? Absolutely fucking not! What the fuck is wrong with you? This isn't the time to think about consequences. Hit publish, you fucking pussy.

Actually, Just Get Mr.Sleepy to Write For You Instead

  Now that I think about it though, please just do us all a fucking favor. Mr.Sleepy is funnier than you, and you supposedly do this for a living. He's turning out Cortex articles right and left that actually make people laugh, and he's doing it from a 2008-era Nokia phone in his bathroom while he takes a deuce between producing albums. Do you produce albums? Do you do anything at all other than potentially disappoint your younger self if you had a time machine? 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed these tips, and good luck making Shantynews all it can possibly be!  Literally dozens of Twitter likes await you. Sky's the limit!

From The Chatty
  • reply
    January 20, 2021 3:46 PM

    [deleted]

    • G D mercury mega
      reply
      January 20, 2021 3:48 PM

      I love you.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 3:52 PM

      This post will definitely help the situation here

      • G D mercury mega
        reply
        January 20, 2021 3:56 PM

        It's better than radio silence and sweeping it under the rug.

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 4:17 PM

        Apologize for the content, stand by your peer review pledge going forward, whatever the current strategy is is embarrassing. You don't need to ban anyone, this all could have been handled so differently and old news by now

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 3:58 PM

      So. That thing that happened hasn’t been resolved I assume?

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:01 PM

      ohhhh are we doing roasts now

      can i do one

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:04 PM

      Just give shacknews to GC he won it fair and square

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:06 PM

      Downvote

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:09 PM

      [deleted]

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 6:43 PM

        Spacing is inconsistent, that way everyone is angry.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:15 PM

      Haha, good stuff. I second mr sleepy.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:16 PM

      No reason to lash out at the shacknews staff man. They've done nothing wrong.

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 4:18 PM

        [deleted]

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 4:19 PM

        no way, this is satire! jeers all around in good fun. the authors hiding behind the shantynews user account can take it

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:18 PM

      [deleted]

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:22 PM

      Oh, I see how it is GloriousCow </3

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:32 PM

      Double agent right here

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:34 PM

      First off, I never graduated from anything. Secondly, I think I'm gonna need help with this Backpage - I can't even get it to load.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 4:44 PM

      “ It's hard work writing a hundred SEO articles a day where the title is a question and the answer is "No."”

      https://media4.giphy.com/media/KyGGoxa3eTCWW0lOkU/giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f29be06e715119d420608d8e871768e11fe835da455&rid=giphy.gif

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 5:15 PM

        Did this part hurt my feelings?

        While this might seem like a simple yes/no question, here are 300 words to answer you and provide you some other, perhaps useful and hopefully insightful, information on the topic.

        • reply
          January 21, 2021 4:22 AM

          What's the release date of "EXCITING GAME"?

          Everyone's excited about the release of the next game in whatever fucking series because it doesn't matter. I have no new information to share with you. But here's a bunch more words about our collective interest in more information.

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 5:20 PM

        Don't be sad! It's a transferable skill! You could switch to writing recipes where the first 7/8ths of the post is your personal life story and why Rice Krispy treats remind you of your fish Darren.

        • reply
          January 20, 2021 6:47 PM

          Calming Lemon Green Tea

          I was woken up at 5:49 AM on September 11th, told to turn on my TV...

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 5:06 PM

      i'm not white.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 5:25 PM

      Why are you being mean to Asif :(

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 5:52 PM

      I take issue with "mediocre, middle-aged white men who work in tech. They're all pushing 40 now and won't shut the fuck up about how much Cyberpunk sucks."

      I don't work in tech and cyberpunk was pretty fun

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 6:11 PM

      Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn

      It moved a little

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 6:19 PM

      [deleted]

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 6:29 PM

      Jesús Christos cow.

      I want you to have my girlfriend's babies.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 6:52 PM

      Possibly the best thing ever posted to this website

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 7:05 PM

      Vicious, but fair

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 7:10 PM

      Uhhhh..

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 7:27 PM

      Can I INF and UNF the same post in iOS?

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 7:29 PM

      Entirely on target

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 8:34 PM

      Weird how you can give someone a taste of their own medicine and they respond by claiming you poisoned them.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 8:35 PM

      I'm a foaming socialist you Fascist fuck.

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 10:34 PM

      🐮🙌🐮👏👏👏

    • reply
      January 20, 2021 10:39 PM

      Not sure why you’re poking fun at (attacking, basically) the staff writers. That criticism seems way off base and kind of gross.

      • reply
        January 20, 2021 11:17 PM

        If we're going to dish it out, it's only fair that we take it.

        • reply
          January 20, 2021 11:52 PM

          I mean, I suppose that's true...but maybe Shantynews can be a platform for wholesomeness vs. toxicity, even if the toxicity is funny?

        • reply
          January 21, 2021 5:59 AM

          What about unbanning people that were dishing it out to Shack Staff?

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 5:02 AM

      What the world needs now is Milleh energy

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 5:16 AM

      Big inf right here.

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 5:46 AM

      Now that you mention it, David Craddock hasn't posted in a long while.

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 5:48 AM

      #TeamGC

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 6:01 AM

      [deleted]

      • reply
        January 21, 2021 8:45 AM

        Jesus I resemble that remark. Been here for 20 years and still consider myself a gamer even though it's literally playing Borderlands once a week. Mid 40s and not really tech but architecture.

        Also this article is funny and part of the reason I love the shack. Being able to be frank and poke fun at ourselves is essential to well being. Also hope that Asif is good and Lola is getting plenty of skritches as the boss.

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 6:14 AM

      Hold up a minute, I'm not white.

    • reply
      January 21, 2021 8:19 AM

      Lol, Nokia phone

Hello, Meet Lola