Cyberpunk 2077 is out now on PS4, Xbox One, PC, and even Google Stadia. We have been playing it on PC here at Shantynews, and we couldn't help but notice some glaring omissions when we started messing around with the character creation tools last night. We cranked up the settings on our penis size, and this is what we got...
That's the biggest hog you can pack in this game? It's almost like none of these developers have seen the hit motion picture Any Given Sunday. It shouldn't be that surprising, as they also left off the ability to make yourself fat in Night City. "In Night City, looks are everything," says the screen. Apparently those looks don't include having a massive afro or being fat. We get that a bunch of Polish devs probably have a different definition of what it means to have a big penis, but even a cursory Google search would show you just how far off they are with these character models.
But maybe this isn't about being realistic. Cyberpunk 2077 is a marketing juggernaut of epic proportions. We reached out to CDPR for comment and they actually got back to us! "The team is really proud of the work they've done with the genital sizes. We did thorough research, including getting reference-images from our own staff who had received unsolicited dick pics. Those dick pics are actually our reference point for the 'small' penis option. What we realized from all the small penises we received via email and Twitter DM was that our users would be embarassed if we didn't nerf the penis size slider. Not everyone can be Lexington Steele. Even in Night City, we had to think about our fragile manbaby fans."
So there you have it. The tiny wieners in Cyberpunk 2077 are all your fault. Maybe if you weren't such a whiny and entitled prick, we could have had Cyberjunk that was 2 feet long and weaponized. But instead we got this no girth option bullshit where packing 9 inches is considered hung.
Way to go, fucksticks.
- posted by Johnny Utah