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Am I Going To Be Murdered By A Sex Robot?

Is having a Sonos-compatible sex partner worth the potential risks?

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Let’s face it - shopping for and completing a transaction with a prostitute is a real first-world hassle. Trying to filter out the undercover cops from Craigslist ads or slowly driving around the skeezy part of town in your Cutlass Supreme at 2 a.m. presents the risk you could be incarcerated or fail to secure any meaningful form of copulation. Much like Uber has revolutionized how we get around town or the way Airbnb disrupted the temporary housing market, near-future sex dolls will usher in a sea change in the way people satisfy their sexual needs, but potential benefits come with real risks.

Sex dolls have been around for more than 400 years in some form or another, ranging from crude, straw-filled affairs to the more common inflatable variety, which have served me well for years. I often dress them up and take them to the movies with me and on special days, I’ll bring them with me to Longhorn’s steakhouse for a lovely dinner. I always inform our server that my date’s name is Linda and insist that the staff refer to her by her name. I am a bit of an old-fashioned guy, so I will order for Linda - she doesn’t mind at all. She never eats much, so there are always leftovers to bring home in the doggie bag!

The problem with my Lindas is that after I bring them home I often get careless in the heat of the moment and lay on them too hard or take the choking overboard and then they deflate. Carefully applied duct tape is a temporary fix, but once the first tear occurs, the end of the relationship is always near. The heavier, more lifelike dolls are expensive and bring their own set of complications. First off, they are much harder to get into Olive Garden due to the sheer dead weight and simply maneuvering them to my booth creates more of a distraction than I am comfortable with in a public restaurant, no matter how accommodating the staff may be. The newest generation of internet-connected sex dolls could change everything, though.

The impending arrival of the full-service sex robot is near. More than just bags of sand in a silicone skinsuit, sex robots of the future will be able to walk, talk, and so much more. The robots are loaded with sensors that will be able to detect arousal from their partners and be able to react appropriately, according to the Thomas Edison of sex robots, Dr. Sergi Santos. The robots will be able to learn about their lovers over time and develop lifelike intimate bonds. SD card slots, internet connectivity, and more will be the norm for the love bots in our future.

Dr. Sergi with one of his latest designs

Newer and increasingly complex forms of A.I. are being developed for various needs everyday and the advancements made will be available to enhance the experience of spending time with Linda 2.0. She will be able to recognize when I’ve had a tough day of writing Destiny 2 guides or when I get excited about the newest episodes of NCIS: New Orleans. In the same way that the T-800 was designed to protect John Connor, Linda 2.0 is designed to cater to my emotional and intimate needs. My family will no longer give me shit about bringing Linda to Thanksgiving dinner when they see how smart, caring, and loyal she is.

Obviously, I am envisioning the fairy tale version of my future with Linda 2.0, but I am aware of some potential drawbacks, even if I believe that claims of A.I.-related dangers from know-nothings like Elon Musk are overblown. Robots do not run on hopes and dreams. They need a power source to be able to walk, talk, and meet my sexual needs. Imagine the hassle of having to drag Linda 2.0 back into the house after her battery gives out during a backyard lovemaking session? If Linda 2.0 and I are out on a date at Chili’s and I use my Apple Watch to pay on the wireless Ziosk, will EMI from the transaction cause her to scream obscenities of a sexual nature at unsuspecting diners? If offshore botnets can take over our DVRs and internet-connected refrigerators, what is in place to stop a remote attack on my beautiful cyber peach?

Rogue code execution on Linda’s Neural Net CPU could leave me vulnerable for physical injury or harm. Asimov’s first law of robotics could go right out the window if she was ever to run unsigned code. Would she “forget” to stop choking me or use four fingers instead of two? I don’t want to work myself up into a panic attack here, but I am concerned that a remote attacker could cause Linda 2.0’s feelings towards me to change. Beat me up all you want, but don’t take away the unspoken passion between us. I could live with anything but the thought of being alone without my Linda.

Are my fears a pile of wild and baseless conjecture? William Fox, a robotics expert studying in the Autonomous Carnal Robotics and Teledildonics department at Northwestern Polytechnical University says that a sex robot “running with poorly secured code could absolutely catch you with your pants down.” The future of robot sex is not all doom and gloom, though. Fox said, “The designers and researchers of these devices always have end-user safety at the forefront of every design”. Fox implied that anyone buying such a robot from an established, reputable manufacturer is in no real danger.

Undoubtedly, someone in the near future will elect to save a few hundred bucks and order their own Linda from an Alibaba reseller. Unregulated and cheaper knock-off designs could place users at risk. “Buyer beware,” says Fox.

Contributing Tech Editor

From The Chatty

  • reply
    September 19, 2017 12:00 PM

    Chris Jarrard posted a new article, Am I Going To Be Murdered By A Sex Robot?

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:10 PM

      Wow, just... wow.

      I feel like you just left your computer unlocked while you were logged into the editor's site and someone ILTC'd you Crabs. That being said, I assume the first deaths in the robot uprising will be performed by sexbots, so the answer to your question is "inevitably".

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 12:18 PM

        More like Shacknews HR left their computer unlocked when Crabs was hired.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:11 PM

      I heard on another site that the entire "internet of things" may have security issues.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:12 PM

      Wait, this isn't a game review.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:12 PM

      The fuck?

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:13 PM

      yes

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:14 PM

      This is an underhanded way to make Shacknews profitable.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 6:14 PM

        It's all about the over handed technique if you know what I mean...

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 7:03 PM

        It's about ethics in sexbot journalism

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:18 PM

      I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do.

      - Cave Johnson

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:19 PM

      https://i.imgur.com/wcKAZcH.gif

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:19 PM

      That article was like listening to a growing tsunami of fear and loathing... You magnificient bastard!

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:20 PM

      I would love to know how these kinds of "special interest" (lol) stories do relative to the standard gaming content. My gut reaction tells me it's probably great for the site's traffic.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:22 PM

      Wouldn't it be not so much murder, as auto-erotic asphyxiation?

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 12:24 PM

        The first ones will be labeled as such, until the AI hive mind has shown its sentience.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 2:02 PM

        Depends what you're into.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:24 PM

      Finally, an article I'm proud to retweet for @Shacknews

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:25 PM

      Chris Jarrard, you are absolutely going to be murdered by a sex robot.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 12:36 PM

        Or maybe ignored by a sex robot

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 12:40 PM

          Yes, because that would humanise me, wouldn't it?

          :D

          • reply
            September 19, 2017 12:54 PM

            I didn't find that particular door or maybe I did and had a different conversation branch. Hopefully won't miss it on my replay.

            • reply
              September 19, 2017 12:56 PM

              What!! Room 211, the sexbot.

              • reply
                September 19, 2017 1:04 PM

                I think I was there and just got a totally different conversation that didn't reveal her as a bot. I love this damn game.

                • reply
                  September 19, 2017 1:05 PM

                  I think you have to be rude to her to get that line

                  • reply
                    September 19, 2017 11:59 PM

                    I hadn't talked to her/it before after all. That was a weird conversation haha.

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 12:49 PM

          Jesus Christ, you people are cruel.

          • reply
            September 20, 2017 12:36 AM

            The murdering or the ignoring?

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 2:12 PM

          Why aren't any of these sex terminators trying to kill me?

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 7:14 PM

          I laughed. Wonder what the reaction would have been if the genders were reversed here, though

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:40 PM

      fucking lol + wtf + lol again

      William Fox, a robotics expert studying in the Autonomous Carnal Robotics and Teledildonics department at Northwestern Polytechnical University says that a sex robot “running with poorly secured code could absolutely catch you with your pants down.”

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 12:44 PM

        I've seen that William Fox dude around, he will say anything to get a quote in an article, regardless of what side of the issue it's on. Seems like he's a real mercenary about it.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:45 PM

      I liked westworld too

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 12:48 PM

      Dying over here. Hopefully for good at the hands of a sexbot some day.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 1:00 PM

      This is the best article ever written on Shacknews

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 1:06 PM

        it also will be updated in 2018 when the great Shack "shift" occurs...

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 1:17 PM

      I've seen Ghost in the Shell. Yes. It will happen.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 1:24 PM

      robots are going to steal your jobs one way or another

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 1:46 PM

      Even if my sex doll went rogue, I think I could still take it out.

      The life like materials they use for them are pretty fragile.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 1:50 PM

        Just like a human life.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 1:51 PM

        Only problem being it doesn't need much of that material to continue trying to kill you.

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 1:59 PM

          Once you get some flesh off, I'd turn the garden hose on it and spray the sex doll down shorting out her electronics

          • reply
            September 19, 2017 2:00 PM

            I see you also have that wet outdoor fetish required for that to be an effective strategy.

            • reply
              September 19, 2017 2:07 PM

              You go to law school? No? Quit judging.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 1:57 PM

        One of my judo kicks would pulverize any pleasurebot and render it inoperable.

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 6:53 PM

          I read this in the Sean Connery-esque Colonel Gentleman voice from Venture Bros.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 1:47 PM

      wat

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 7:01 PM

        Mr. Crabs, you made sleepy go 'wat'. Mission accomplished.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 2:01 PM

      Maybe but then she will kill other sex robots to try to make up for being a murdering sex robot. Evidence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWOEFkauoYY

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 2:03 PM

        Jus assuming the gender of the sexbot now?

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 2:06 PM

          Listen I am not going to get in to a long discussion about sex robot rights. If a god damn sex robot wants to identify as a woman then that sex robot is a woman.

          • reply
            September 19, 2017 2:09 PM

            Right, but you're just out here assuming that the sex robot identifies as a woman.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 2:19 PM

      lol

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 2:28 PM

      No way a sex robot could take me down, even one shaped like a pit bull. My natural humping instincts would kick in.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 2:34 PM

      Pulitzer worthy

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 2:37 PM

      am I? god I hope so

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 4:10 PM

      Death by four fingers instead of two.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 4:58 PM

      I just love that one of those real life Barbie ads was the first thing to show up at the end of the article while reading on mobile

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 5:33 PM

      This article really makes you think.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 5:35 PM

        Did you know that I never knew Ziosks were even a thing until I saw one at Olive Garden earlier this year?

        • reply
          September 19, 2017 7:06 PM

          Iove those things. No more wsted time waiting on the check, waiting for it to be picked up, then waiting terrible again for it to come back.

      • reply
        September 19, 2017 9:45 PM

        I don't really think so, because the answer is so obvious.

      • reply
        September 20, 2017 12:13 AM

        It made my penis move ....a bit not too much

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 5:36 PM

      You know what would be fun, a battlebot type events but they are sex dolls that fight it out with power tools

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 7:00 PM

      Autonomous Carnal Robotics and Teledildonics department

      How do I apply?

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 7:01 PM

      That's not legally considered 'murder'. I mean except those two incidents in 2032, and they were established to be rogue code from a disgruntled Java programmer. I.E. That one Java programmer.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 7:07 PM

      Death by robo-snu-snu? My Pacific Rim fan-fic wasn't so farfetched after all.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 7:12 PM

      Meh, clicked the article, no PewDiePew, closed it.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 7:50 PM

      Was looking into the dangers of sex robots and came back here. What a small world.

    • reply
      September 19, 2017 8:19 PM

      LMAO... what a fantastic read. thank you.

    • reply
      September 20, 2017 12:10 AM

      Of course, you are. How else are they gonna take your job?

    • reply
      September 20, 2017 6:08 AM

      I, for one, welcome our new Sex Robot overlords!