One story I couldn't quite get around to this week in hefty run of news was the fact that Sony apparently filed patents to create simplified controllers based on fruit.
Well, not entirely. Actually, Sony filed a patent with the goal of creating controllers based on "non-luminous passive object being held by a user." It just so happens that many objects could be used in this intended purpose - a thermos, a hair brush, a marital aid device, or (as Sony demonstrated) bananas. The point would be that Sony's systems (involving a camera) would take information from the object via color, angles, and 3D-imaging, and then apply virtual controller schematics and use to the object. A banana could then be used like a PlayStation controller with superimposed X, Square, Triangle, Circle, and other typical buttons on it. You can even see little diagrams of the concept below..
But it leaves me then wondering... Without proper physical L2 R2 triggers....
How will I be able to put the PlayStation Nanner controller down such that uses its most sensitive buttons as contact points when at rest?
This is a glaring design flaw that I, as a longtime PlayStation fan find hard to ignore. A proper PS controller wouldn't feel right unless I had some way of putting it down on a flat surface where it rested directly on the buttons in which much of the most important and sensitive technology is kept. Haptic feedback and reactive triggers are great. Heck, the 3D sound design? Neat-o. But Sony knew what I, a true PlayStation controller afficianado, was looking for when they kept this feature intact from the PS3 DualShock 3 to the PS5 DualSense. That's an astoundingly 2% of why we (the royal "we" meaning "I") voted for the PlayStation as Shacknews 2020 Best Gaming Accessory.
Why on earth should I ever feel comfortable putting my controller down in a way that might not swing my sword at an important shop NPC in a game (Thank you for the always fine example, Mr. D.L. Craddock) or fast-forward through an episode of whatever show I was watching unless the controller was so carefully placed as if I was Indiana Jones trying to swap out some crappy sand for a gold idol?
You have to understand folks. A banana is a very stable fruit. If you put it on its side, it will not put undo pressure on any sensitive jutting parts of the rest of the banana.
If PlayStation wants to pursue this cockamamie fruit controller idea, they should use a fruit with all the auspices of a proper PS controller at rest. I suggest a pineapple as that garbage is full of angles that make it difficult to put at any kind of surface and have it remain at rest without care or a special containter. A dragonfruit with all of its stupid incoherent geometry would also simulate a proper PlayStation controller experience.
In lieu of any of these options, I would suggest Sony produce special PlayStation-branded bananas that will properly eliminate any sort of comfort I may have about thoughtlessly putting a banana down if connected to my PlayStation device. I imagine it would look a little something like this:
If PlayStation is not willing to supply me with this horrible, yet highly traditional design flaw in any upcoming Sony 'nanner 'trollers, then I humbly suggest that they scrap this idea and go back to the drawing board. Amazing accessibility and vast possible innovative application is not worth the cost of my feelings.
(Disclaimer: No living PlayStation controllers were harmed in the making of this content. Buttons present were taken from already deceased hardware, although one banana was eaten shortly after as not to waste good fruit.)