Shackpets | Available on iOS and Google Play Store
58-year old CEO of mobile game company jailed for child cannibalism

58-year old CEO of mobile game company jailed for child cannibalism

(Irvine, CA) -- The Controversial CEO of a mobile game developer has been charged by a California Court on 3 counts of child cannibalism. Child cannibalism, or more popularly known in countries like Australia as "Breakfast", is the act of eating a child, and is illegal in almost every civilized country on the planet. Shacknews' Senior Urban Correspondent Mr. Sleepy has the story. (Warning: This story contains disturbing images of Diablo: Immortal)

mr.sleepy

(Shacknews, Irvine, CA) -- A controversial CEO of a mobile game development "company" has been charged on 3 counts of eating a newborn baby. Shacknews reached out to former Blizzard Entertainment employee, and witness to the crime "LaMondrick Bronson" for the scoop on the horrific tragedy, known as "Diablo: Immortal", and also the alleged crime committed by Kotick against 3 innocent white children from California.

LaMondrick Bronson, Former Blizzard Entertainment Employee
(Pictured) Former African American video game developer LaMondrick Darnell Bronson of Irvin, CA

"I seen't the whole thing, bruh. Bobby was always wild. Unpredictable, you know?" Bronson told Shacknews. "I done seen't that mofo do all kinds of crazy ass shit. He is dangerous, fo'sho." 

"But, I never expected he would greenlight Diablo: Immortal."

He continued, "Or, eat a baby. You know? That's so fucked up, too."

Pictured: (Warning: GRAPHIC) Mobile  video game Diablo Immortal

Shacknews asked Mr. Bronson where the 58 year old failed CEO managed to obtain the tiny toddlers he is accused of eating in the employee cafeteria of Blizzard Headquarters in Irvine, California.

"I don't know where he got them kids, man. They were white, though. White as the Olsen twins. Cute little things. Who knows? Kevin Spacey may have helped him. How should I know?" Bronson defensively replied. He went on to describe the act, which took place in the cafeteria of Blizzard Activision headquarters in Irvine, stating, "He ate those two little babies like buffalo wings, man."

"I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. It was truly, truly awful.  Completely fucked up. I would have done something about it, but I couldn't, man." Bronson, who is a former developer on Diablo: Immortal  added.

When asked by Shacknews why no one, not even Bronson was able to put a stop to Kotick's alleged crimes, Bronson informed us that a new company policy, following the acquisition by a parent oversight firm was to blame.

Outlining the policy, Bronson said, "Once we were acquired, we have to wear these radio-connected anklets. Ankle-braces, man! With seventy pound steel balls attached to them. They also took away bathroom breaks. My man, I'm SERIOUS! Can you believe that shit, my [racial epithet]?"

"I couldn't move! I tried to move, but I couldn't. Bobby Kotick had eaten 100% of the babies before I could stop him. I had no mobility. I couldn't budge. It was like that all day. I mostly just stayed at my fucking desk. And with no bathroom breaks, I had gotten used to just shitting on myself at my desk. The ball and chain prevented me from moving." Said Bronson.

Pictured: Mr. Bronson, shitting himself at his desk

 


Shacknews spoke with another former Blizzard Activision co-worker of Bronson's, named Hunter Whitehead-Whitesmith, who claimed,  "He isn't lying. What Kotick did was unbelievably horrific. Greenlighting Diablo: Immortal was terrible. And what he did to those poor children was deplorable, too." 

 

"And, like Lamar... wait.. is it Lamar? Larry?  DeShaun? I can't remember. Anyway, like my former co-worker, due to the ball & chain anklet, I also regularly shat on myself while working at Blizzard Activision. I was shitting myself, at the very least, seventeen times a month after the acquisition and new policy."

 

Pictured: Hunter Whitehead Whitesmith, thinking about shitting himself 


Althouogh  Mr. Kotick's legal team has refused to make any comment, Senior Urban Correspondent "Mr. Sleepy" personally approached Mr. Kotick at a CVS drug store. During questioning, the CEO allegedly assaulted, then shouted at our correspondent: "Get away from me, you black, ink-stained, stone-cold big lipped smoked sambo super-coondog, tournament edition N-word!"

Allegations of the physical and verbal assault and have been filed with the NAACP Special Hate Crimes Investigations Consultations Tribunal Sub-Committee.

The identity of the parents of the consumed toddlers has not been publically announced to protect the privacy of the families. If convicted, Kotick, a white billionaire CEO, faces a sentence of up to 4 days in prison. 

From The Chatty
Hello, Meet Lola