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I am completely screwed (not the good way). We're heading up to my boyfriend's parents' place either tonight or in the morning for Christmas, and I haven't gotten him anything. We are not big spenders like many of you, so our Christmas gift to each other this year was Rock Band 2, which he still managed to surprise me with yesterday (I thought we'd get it in a week or two; he did this whole thing where he asked me to come down to the car to help him bring up groceries and then it was in the trunk and then that's all we did last night because it was really fun and the drums are definitely better than the others I've used).
So we decided to just get each other small, ~$25 gifts. I don't want to give him a gift card, I don't want to use his Amazon wish list (both because I don't like doing that unless I'm super desperate and because I don't know who else has used it without going through Amazon at this point).
There is one book I'm going to pick up for him (I still have to go out to grab the small gifts I'm giving his family in a few minutes, but I know what I'm getting, so that's not a big deal), but I need something else. I was going to do something from ThinkGeek, but I couldn't find anything I liked and obviously it's too late now. I don't think there are any stores where I could get him goofy or random at the place I'm headed, but it is sort of a mall.
Does anyone have any ideas? He's a little less geeky than I am, by which I guess I mean I'm better with computers and have had more really strange non-social friends, but he plays video games (we only have Wiis, no 360 or anything, and his computer is old so it won't run anything new) and likes the same kind of goofy random shit people here do. I'm really trying to come up with something else. We both play frisbee. Those are our only notable hobbies. I accidentally lost his FC Copenhagen hat about a day after his dad gave it to him, but it's too expensive to really be worth replacing it. He might need a new hat though.
And oh fuck he's home.
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let me tell you how the male mind works. we like 3 things. electronics, food & sex.
now, those are the 3 basic biggies. many, if not all of us like lots of other things as well such as football, music, fancy cars, books & so forth. some like art, camping, and blah blah blah. you'll make yourself nuts trying to figure it all out so keep it simple.
here's what you need to do. tell him that you've got him a gift and it's in the bedroom. he'll be all HURRRR!! I SEE WHAT YOU DI.. and you'll be like "SHUT IT FAGGOT IT'S NOT SEX". and he'll be all "awwww :(" and you can give him a nice $25.00 gift card to Best Buy.
then when he gives you a hug, you say "oh, actually I'm giving you more than one gift this year" and he'll be thinking *oh shit i only got her one thing FUUUUCK!* and he'll say something like "oh youuuu. you didn' t have to do that!" and you can say "oh it's nothing real big but I think you'll like it" and he'll be like HURRRRR!!!! OH HERE COMES A BANG! and he'll start to work up a little semi. This is when you reach under the bed and pull out a warm peach cobbler.
now at first when you make a move to reach under the bed, he'll be thinking *WTF, is she going for a paddle or giant dildo what the hell have i got mysel... oh thank god it's a fucking pie. oh jesus thank you* and this is where you have him in the palm of your hand. no man in his right man can resist a fucking cobbler. not in december, not anytime. then you say, "ohshit i almost forgot the ice cream" and he'll be like HURRRRR!!!!! THIS HAS GOT to be where the sex comes.... and you come back in with some ice cream. you scoop him up some warm cobbler, top it with some icy cold vanilla ice cream and you 2 crazy kids enjoy some warm holiday goodness.
ask him, "do you like your Best Buy card?" he'll be all "heck yeah i do. imma get me something tomorrow!" then you say, "awesome. how was that peach cobbler?" and he'll go, "omg that was so amazing. god you are the greatest gf in the history of all gfs EVAR." and you'll say "thanks, i enjoyed making it for you and I'm glad you liked it". then there will be about 8 to 10 seconds of awkward silence. this is when you look at him and say:
[ EDITORS NOTE: kids, this gets a little graphic, so for those of you under 18, or for those of you who are easily offended, it's time to switch to www.disney.com ]
You say, "I want you to take off your shirt for me." By this time, he's kind of in a daze from all the fucking sugar and full belly, but he's still in the zone with his semi-chub. He may even blurt out something that sounds like "HURRRRR!" He'll say, "Take my shirt off?" and then you'll say, "TAKE. YOUR FUCKING. SHIRT. OFF." For just a split second, he's going to have an ohshit moment where 57 things run through his head. So if he gets a look on his face like he's about to get prison raped, don't worry. It will quickly pass.
As he's taking his shirt off, you say, "and loosen those pants while you're at it". This is when he'll snap out of the omg I'm getting raped face. be warned. he's already forgotten about your cobbler. so you need to ask him again about the food that you so thoughtfully prepared. "So you liked the cobbler huh?" And because we're kinda one-trick ponies, he may gloss over for a sec, but he'll immediately agree. In his mind, he's thinking *Oh CHRIST what the hell, cobbler, sweater? Is this chick going to fuck me or have me write a New York Times Dinner Review?* and right about the time he's thinking Dinner Review you fucking YANK down his pants to his ankles. He'll immediately forget all about the New York Times, cobbler, Best Buy and anything else sports or automobile related.
You drop down on your knees and let his cock slide all the way down the back of your throat (editors note: OH MY!) until your nose touches his stomach. Hold it there as you slowly slide your hands up the back of his legs and grab on to his ass. Take a deep breath in through your nose and let it slowly out as you let the cock slide back out of your mouth. Then clutch his ass cheeks and slam his penis back into your mouth. All the way down to the hilt. Do this about 450 to 500 10 or 15 times and I guarantee you that this will be a Christmas that he'll never forget. Hell I even gave myself a little Christmas wood just typing it up for godsakes. WINNER!
It's way after 5:00,
And the bank, she is closing.
So I head to my sleigh,
and back home to my loathing.
I wish you the best,
and hope you have fun.
Please don't take offense,
Just enjoy my gay puns.
Live life to the fullest,
and treat your man right,
Or he'll post about it on the Shack,
One cold wintery night.
The least I can do,
is ask for some pics, so...
Merry Christmas to all,
This place gets you chicks!
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