CPL Game Severity Announced

I hope it has lots of cover

lots and lots of cover

I hope sprinting depletes your fatigue meter

and you can't jump

and if your fatigue runs out, you fall flat on the floor, gasping for breath

I hope your radio occasionally cuts out when trying to voicecom with your teammates, or has too much static to understand them

I hope your movement speed is slow when running, and slower when walking, and your accuracy sucks unless you're lying prone and bracing your gun for several seconds

I hope every weapon is hitscan

I hope it has two railguns

I hope fifty levels are made, and only one is played in competition

I hope it has a low-grav mode, for when you're feeling extra whacky

I hope two shots kill, and all headshots kill in one

I hope it has a sniper rifle, and a rifle, and a submachine gun, and a pistol, and some grenades

I hope it doesn't have any means of defending yourself actively, only staying low and behind cover

I hope server admins are given the option of setting the configurations to wild and whacky extremes

I hope matches are arranged by tying messages to carrier pigeon and debating map choices before deciding on a skirmish server and that any ping discrepancy over 5ms is instant grounds for renegotiating any scheduled match

I hope the server browser is slow as balls, and in-game only

I hope configuring and setting up a match takes more time than playing it

I hope high doses of venom aren't lethal