Tim Sweeney swears new mega mall HQ will feature less of a circlejerk design than Apple Park

Tim Sweeney swears new mega mall HQ will feature less of a circlejerk design than Apple Park

Billionaire Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney is richer than you, and now he owns a decaying mall in North Carolina.


Epic Games has been killing it over the past few years as Fortnite continues to take over the world of video games, and it appears that their CEO Tim Sweeney is ready to swing around his giant bank account. Epic announced on January 3, 2021 that they acquired a 980,000-square-foot mall in Cary, North Carolina. It's basically like the movie We Bought A Zoo, except TIm bought an abandoned mall.

The $95 million deal to acquire the Cary Towne Center mega mall is not that big of a deal to Epic Games as they make that much off of dumbasses who can't stop buying Rocket Pass and VBucks every few days, but Sweeney didn't let this moment pass by without throwing further shade at Apple.

Shantynews reached out to Tim Sweeney, and he actually got back to us:

"Look, this new Epic Games HQ is going to be awesome. We aren't going to make some stupid circle with an open office design. Apple Park is basically a giant superspreader building, but our new HQ is going to have Wetzel's Pretzels, Orange Julius, Topsy's Popcorn, Cinnabon, and plenty of space to avoid people and their disgusting diseases. I don't want to overhype our plans, but this is basically going to be the Civil Rights Movement of video game developer HQs."

Apple Park kinda sucks.
Apple Park kinda sucks.

There is also some speculation that part of the new Epic Games HQ will be an actual recreation of the island in Fortnite. Rumors are that Tim Sweeney will be kicking off a Ready Player One-style kumite once things are all set up. It also kinda sounds like The Running Man. We are also hearing that Epic Games employees will be fighting to the death to avoid having their offices by the haunted Spencer's store. Each employee will also be able to pick up free accessories at the mall's sword store.

We are happy to see Tim Sweeney finding time to flex going into the new year. The ongoing fight with Apple is just getting started, and it doesn't look like it will be too hard for them to make a new HQ that isn't as offensively terrible in its design or as bad as that godawful #FreeFortnite ad campaign from 2020. 

- posted by Ben Richards

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