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If I got arrested on TV, these are the top TV lawyers I would hire to defend me

If I got arrested on TV, these are the top TV lawyers I would hire to defend me

I've been thinking about committing lots of tele-felonies.

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In real life I could never hope to afford legitmiate legal counsel, but in the fantasy world that is Cortex, your dreams are only a post away. I'm ready to run drugs, traffic illegal endangered animals, and murder gangsters on TV. Sadly, those damn TV cops abused and ignored the rule of law and arrested me for dope crimes.

Now I need legal representation, but only the best TV lawyers can get me off (giggity).

5. Jack McCoy - Law and Order

When it comes to winning jury trials, nothing is more important that putting out a strong vibe. Nothing bleeds vibe quite like those majectic caterpillars than live over Sam Waterson's eyes. Even if he couldn't get me acquitted, I'd still probably wanna kiss him.

4. Ben Matlock - Matlock

There's likely no single person more responsible for steaming up the undercarriages of grandmothers across the country quite like old Ben Matlock. This guy never loses a case and his mere presence is like ketamine for senior citizens. Thank God no one convinced him to hock reverse mortgages while he was still alive.

3. Jackie Chiles - Seinfeld

Mr. Chiles exclusion from this list would be totally inappropriate. It’d be lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous.

2. Gomez Adams - The Addams Family

Yeah, sure. We didn't exactly see Gomez Addams practicing law all that much on The Addams Family, but it was how he put food on the table. When you start to take a closer look at the Addams estate and all the wild shit they own and are into, it's quite clear than old Gomez is probably very good at lawyering. Good enough for me!

1. Dan Fielding - Night Court

Not only is Dan Fielding the greatest lawyer in TV history, he is also one of its most admirable men. I try to make all decisions in life baseed on what I think Dan would do. He also got to hang out with Markie Post. What a fucking legend.

From The Chatty
  • reply
    March 3, 2022 6:02 PM


    • reply
      March 4, 2022 4:27 AM

      You forgot Bob Loblaw

      • reply
        March 4, 2022 4:49 AM

        Lobs those law bombs!

        Along with his band William Hung and the hung jury!

        I need to rewatch the first few seasons again.

    • DM7 legacy 10 years
      March 4, 2022 4:48 AM

      I would want Saul Goodman in my corner.

      • reply
        March 4, 2022 11:24 AM

        How is this not number#1???

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 5:47 AM

      Give me Matt Murdock, Saul Goodman and Jennifer Walters (I know the last one is cheating since it isn’t out yet but idc.)

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 6:18 AM

      How you gonna hire a district attorney to defend you?

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 6:52 AM

      What -- did LA Law and Ally McBeal not exist?????

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 7:57 AM

      I don't know how you can overlook Perry Mason.

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 8:12 AM

      I know this is just a goofy list, but if you're needing a defense, you probably shouldn't go with prosecutors (Jack McCoy and Dan Fielding are prosecutors).

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 9:23 AM

      Any tv lawyer that goes around solving murders and crimes in a matter of a day or so to prove their client’s innocence will do.

    • reply
      March 4, 2022 10:53 AM

      Alan Shore, no doubt

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