Mr. Massagy Turns Your Controller Into a Massager. For Your Neck, Obviously.

The game also has you using a Tinder-esque app to find dates, but that's probably just a coincidence.

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In Mr. Massagy for PC or PlayStation 4, you use an app called Linger to line up dates with women and unlock massage settings for your DualShock 4 controller. Once you've unlocked greater or lesser vibrations, you place your controller right against your...

Whoa! Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter. Mr. Massagy is trying to do some good in the world, but you? You disgust me. After all, the game makes a point of telling you to place your controller on your neck to relieve tension. Because, hey, it's a sedentary world out there, isn't it? We all spend too much time sitting in front of screens pretending we're creating something tangible, monuments to our short time here on earth. Over the course of that futile lifelong cycle, we're bound to get cricks in our neck, and Mr. Massagy only wants to...

What's that? The game tells you to "take your controller and place it on your neck or other places?" Well, clearly it means the small of your back. I'm feeling a bit tense there right this minute, as it happens. Big knot of corded muscle; can't be helped. Or can it? Yes! That's why Mr. Massagy exists!

Certainly not for any other reason, or to relieve tension in any other place.

Kotaku downloaded and tried the game—for science—and, wonder of wonders, found that Mr. Massagy makes a pretty poor masseuse. Lower settings are too low, and on high and low settings the controller stops pausing for short, irregular bursts of time.

Which is inconvenient, because everyone knows you need to find a rhythm and keep it going to relieve tension. In your back. Or neck. Wherever.

There's an age gate on the Steam version?! I am shocked. SHOCKED.

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