Friday night is the village-famous bingo night in Wainthrope-by-Roe. As ever a community minibus service will be picking up ball-crazed bingo fans from the outlying area so slip on your best frock and glam up your Zimmer because it's certain to be a night you won't forget until your next funny turn!

Mind you don't stay out too late though, as on Saturday Ms. Cholmondley-Mainwaring, 52, will be leading a fascinating morning of debate covering topics including "To starch or not to starch?" "Dress to the left or the right?" and "Those foreign people--chase them out or burn them?" We understand that last topic is why Mr. Henry Bysshe-Pringle-Fletcher, 117, has been politely asked never to attend again, the horrid withered beast.

I'm interested to see what will end up in Mass Effect 2's daily fake 'news' updates on the title screen in a year or so from now. You would be surprised by how quickly people slip into gibberish and nonsense when required to write daily blurbs.