This Crazy Industry (Pilot Spec)
-- August 31, 2005 by: Chris Remo
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"THIS CRAZY INDUSTRY"
PILOT SPEC
FADE IN:
INT. KUTARAGI'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(Ken Kutaragi)
KUTARAGI IS PREPARING A BARBECUE FOR HIS COLLEAGUES USING
SOME KIND OF SHINY FUTURISTIC APPLIANCE.
KUTARAGI
(FLIPPING A BURGER) I can't wait for Allard
and Iwata to show up! They'll see how much
better my grill is. Not that they could
afford one of their own! Ha!
A KNOCK IS HEARD ON THE DOOR.
KUTARAGI (CONT'D)
Who is--
BEFORE HE CAN FINISH THE QUESTION, J ALLARD, MICROSOFT
CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF XNA ARCHITECT, BURSTS
THROUGH THE DOOR. HE HAS A SHAVED HEAD AND IS WEARING A
LEATHER JACKET AND SHADES. HE LOOKS QUITE EXTREME.
ALLARD
(GIVES THE FONZIE THUMBS UP) Heeeeeey!
What's up, bitches!?
KUTARAGI
(DOES A DOUBLE TAKE) Allard! You--you
shaved your hair off? Why are you wearing all
that leather? What did you do?! Your head
looks like a pe--
ALLARD
(NONCHALANT) Man, on the way over, I was
listening to the most extreme music, I
mean you don't even know. I'm telling you
I can listen to whatever I want, whenever
I want, that's the kind of freedom I have,
man.
KUTARAGI
(STILL BEWILDERED) Where's Ballmer? I
thought you were both coming over so I
could meet him?
ALLARD
What? Oh, when we were leaving our
apartment, Ballmer kept trying to get me to
dress warm and stuff, you know 'cause it's
cold out, and he started screaming "YOU'LL
CATCH YOUR DEATH OF COLD" in my ear again
and again and stomping around and shit, but
I wasn't having any of it, man. I mean I
can choose what I want to wear at any time,
so I was all "Buzz off, Ballmer! Go hang out
with your developers or something!" and he
looked all shocked and stuff. Man, I really
burned him there I think. That was extreme,
right?
(ALLARD STARTS TO LOOK A BIT WORRIED, QUESTIONING HIS OWN
EXTREMITY)
I put like three spoilers on my car, do you
think that's enough? I made it so I can
switch out the spoilers whenever I want, you
know, just in case. Or I can have it with
no spoilers, it's totally up to me. I hope
that doesn't lead to any structural problems
or anything.
KUTARAGI
(EXASPERATED, UNDER HIS BREATH) I can't wait
to get back to Japan...
ALLARD
Japan? Oh man, I love Japan. Next time I
go there everyone is totally going to
realize how awesome I am. Anyway, where's
the food? I have a seriously extreme hunger
right now. You're still cooking it?
KUTARAGI
Yes. You know, this food is not for
everyone. It takes time to make properly.
Not everybody is able to properly digest it,
but for those who can it will be a truly
sublime experience.
ALLARD
Yeah, whatever. What's that thing you're
making it with? It looks like a--
KUTARAGI
It's not a game console!!!
ALLARD
What? Chill, man, I never said it was.
KUTARAGI
It is a versatile and complex part of the
household! IT IS NOT A GAME CONSOLE!
ALLARD
Sweet, I guess. What's it do besides grill
stuff?
KUTARAGI
(KUTARAGI FUMES) You wouldn't even
understand. It's an elegant and
revolutionary lifestyle element.
ALLARD
Ha ha, revolutionary! That's what Iwata
kept saying! Man, speaking of Iwata, wasn't
he supposed to bring some food over? I'm
starving, man!
KUTARAGI
Of course, he's been hyping it for months,
ever since we planned this barbecue.
Apparently, it's going to give everyone a
new perspective and a new way of enjoying
food. It's a quaint idea, to be sure, but
it is completely irrelevant in the face of
what I am preparing.
ALLARD
Man, I don't even know what you're talking
about. Loosen up or something, you know, be
more extreme.
KUTARAGI
(FRUSTRATED) That doesn't even make sense!
ALLARD
(WAVES HIS HAND IN DISMISSAL) Whatever. Got
any Mountain Dew?
KUTARAGI
(SCOFFING) Ha! Like I would caught dead with
such a plebeian beverage!
ALLARD
Why's Iwata so late, man? Is he even
coming? We haven't heard from him in
months, except for all those stupid
Photoshops he keeps sending us of robotic
squirrels marching across drawbridges and
cats in flowerpots and stuff.
THE DOOR IS OPENED CAUTIOUSLY AND SATORU IWATA, PRESIDENT
OF NINTENDO COMPANY LTD., ENTERS THE APARTMENT, CARRYING
A PLASTIC FOOD CONTAINER IN BOTH HANDS.
IWATA
(BEAMING) Hello, everybody!
KUTARAGI
Greetings.
ALLARD
(PERFORMING SOME KIND OF CRAZY HAND GESTURE)
What's up, man!?
IWATA
Allard! You... You... Your head looks like
a pe--
ALLARD
Enough, man! Geez! You guys are so lame!
You should be more extreme. Not that anyone
could be more extreme than J Allard!
Heeeeeeeeey!
IWATA
Ha ha! The Allard extreme special surprise!
ALLARD
Uh, sure. (RUNS HIS HAND OVER SCALP WHILE
LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY)
IWATA
(PUTS HIS BOX DOWN ON THE COUNTER) You will
be so pleased and overjoyed by my
contribution! It will touch your heart, I
say for sure. Like J Allard's shiny head,
it is a special surprise.
KUTARAGI
(ROLLS EYES) Here he goes again...
IWATA
I remember when I was a young boy, I would
go to the candy store, and there would
always be a special surprise! But
sometimes, a dog will intrude upon your
experience in the store, and you will feel
like your heart is sinking. We are
providing an answer to that!
ALLARD
An answer to what? Who's we? You're
confusing me, man!
IWATA
Ha ha! An enticing and mysterious
conundrum!
ALLARD
(YELLING) Man, give me the food! I'm
friggin hungry over here!
ALLARD GRABS THE BOX AND RIPS IT OPEN, FINDING A RATHER
BLAND TOFU CASSEROLE.
ALLARD (CONT'D)
Oh, come on, man! What is this shit? This
is your big surprise? I want some real
food, man!
IWATA
Ha, ha! Here, I am presenting you with our
wonderful and friendly curiosity!
IWATA PRODUCES A LONG THIN CANISTER, WHICH HE HANDS TO
ALLARD.
ALLARD
What's this? Pringles? I guess Pringles
are sort of extreme.
ALLARD OPENS THE CANISTER, AND A COMPRESSED PAPER SNAKE
FLIES OUT AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE.
IWATA
(SMILING ENORMOUSLY) Now Allard has found
the special surprise!
ALLARD
(SEVERLY STARTLED) Whoooaaaaaaa!
ALLARD IS SO SURPRISED THAT HE FALLS BACKWARDS OUT OF HIS
CHAIR, KNOCKING OVER KUTARAGI'S BARBECUE. KUTARAGI IS
FURIOUS.
KUTARAGI
You--
IWATA
(STILL SMILING) You are experiencing our
revolutionary new way of receiving
satisfaction!
KUTARAGI
(ANGRILY TRYING TO INTERJECT) Wh--
ALLARD
(HORRIFIED AND FLUSTERED) Dude, my jacket!
It better not be scuffed or anything! You
don't even know how long I spent with my
personal lifestyle trainer last week!
KUTARAGI
(STILL ANGRY) I--
IWATA
Like I have been announcing with great
vigor, you will feel new emotions and have
new desires!
ALLARD
Yeah, like the desire to...uh...punch you in
the face! Oh man, owned.
KUTARAGI
(RAGE FINALLY BOILS OVER) I've had enough of
you two! You're imbeciles, both of you! I
don't even know why I waste my time!
Arrgghhhhh!
IWATA
(HAS A CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE) Kutaragi,
it is seeming to me like you need a soothing
melody to bring yourself out of the pit of
despair that is engulfing your heart. I
think I understand! When I was a young boy,
I once had seven goldfish--
KUTARAGI
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
ALLARD
Dude, I should introduce you to Ballmer. I
think you two would totally get along. I
mean, there's extreme, then there's EXTREME.
KUTARAGI
I'm leaving! I can't take it anymore! Soon
you will all be sorry you didn't listen!
You just wait and see!
KUTARAGI PUSHES HIS GLASSES HIGHER UP ON HIS NOSE, SNIFFLES,
AND STORMS OUT OF THE APARTMENT, SLAMMING THE DOOR
ALLARD
Whoa, that guy needs a chill pill! Shit, do
people still say that or not?
IWATA
Ha, ha! Hamburgers! Kutaragi leaves us
with a special surprise!
ALLARD
Whatever, man. Let's eat.
ALLARD AND IWATA CHEW ON THEIR BURGERS FOR A FEW MOMENTS,
GAZING AROUND KUTARAGI'S FUTURISTIC APARTMENT.
IWATA
(LOOKS OVER AT ALLARD) Allard, you have not
explained YOUR surprise! Your head, it
looks like a pe--
ALLARD
A penis? Fuck yeah. A huge one.
FADE OUT.
-by Chris Remo, with thanks to Jake RodkinWarning: include(/web/shugashack/shack_footer.x) [function.include]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /data/www/www.shacknews.com/htdocs/extras/2005/083105_thiscrazyindustry_1.x on line 529
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