Valve Delays Portal 2, Confirms E3 Surprise Is 'PORTAL-2-THEMED-FOR-GOD'S SAKE'

Originally planned to arrive "this coming holiday season," Valve Software's clever puzzle-shooter sequel Portal 2--in development for PC, Mac and Xbox 360-- has been pushed back to a nebulous "2011 release" target.

Word of the delay arrived in a joint press release from Valve and in-game research firm Aperture Science, simply titled "VALVE ANNOUNCES MAKING GAMES IS HARD."

"Even though Portal 2 will arrive slightly later than planned, all life on earth won't instantaneously stop as every molecule in your body explodes at the speed of light, which is what would happen should a rip ever appear in the fabric of Valve Time," they declared, acknowledging the well-known phenomenon of Valve missing release targets.

The company also wrote that its previously teased E3 2010 "surprise" is "PORTAL-2-THEMED-FOR-GOD'S SAKE," dashing hopes of Half-Life 2: Episode Three.

VALVE ANNOUNCES MAKING GAMES IS HARD

June 9, 2010 -- Aperture Science, doing business as Aperture Laboratories LLC, in partnership with Valve today announced the successful completion of an ethics-review-panel-supervised release date restructuring process. Portal 2, the sequel to the ground-breaking title that earned over 30 Game of the Year awards despite missing its original ship date, is now targeted for a 2011 release.

Representatives from both companies acknowledged that public safety concerns factored into the decision. They went on to say that even though Portal 2 will arrive slightly later than planned, all life on earth won't instantaneously stop as every molecule in your body explodes at the speed of light, which is what would happen should a rip ever appear in the fabric of Valve Time.

"Also, the game will be even better," they added, missing an historic opportunity to create the first product delay press release to mention that a product is being delayed to make it worse.

To ask questions about how close we all came to dying, or to ask futile questions about the previously announced E3 ***PORTAL-2-THEMED-FOR-GOD'S SAKE*** surprise or, less futilely, to schedule an appointment to attend a Portal 2 screening at the Valve booth during E3, please contact Valve's delegate to the EU's Valve Time Studies Group, Doug Lombardi.