Morning Discussion

by Chris Faylor, Dec 12, 2008 5:20am PST

Damn Friday, way to represent.

First, I wake up to a snow-covered winter wonderland and blue skies, which are much nicer than the grey overcast and its soggy "don't worry, I'll only freeze at night" rain.

And then, Tim Schafer's latest, Brutal Legends, finally gets a new publisher.

Plus we get the first in-game footage of BioWare's Star Wars: The Old Republic today.

In conclusion, Fri-to-the-day knows what is up. Let's keep the good times coming, eh?

  • Incoming rant!

    I work with retards. This lady who I work with calls me on the phone asking me when I am going to process a list of payments she e-mailed me the other day. I told her I've processed everything she sent me so far this week, to which she says "No you didn't". I open up my spreadsheets from this week check the acct numbers and lo and behold payments processed. I give her one of the acct numbers and she says that's not for the right company. "Well I process what is given to me, and that's what you gave me." I tell her. Turns out she sent me a list of 40 something accts that equaled thirty thousand dollars worth of payments, but she put wrong acct numbers on every payment! Now not a big deal, except this BITCH fucks up almost every fucking time she gives me something to process. Shit never adds up right, she writes the wrong acct number then tries to write over it with the right one making it illegible. But if you ask her, she never makes a mistake CAUSE SHE'S FUCKING PERFECT! I swear I can't work in the corporate world for the rest of my life or I'm going to stroke out before I hit 40. :(


    Thread Truncated. Click to see all 16 replies.

    • haha what a dumb bitch. here's how you teach her a lesson.

      start off with some low level surveillance. you want to find out her usual patterns; when she come to work, what she drives, where she likes to go to lunch. this might take a while to build a good foundation of info, but it will be invaluable later on. next, see if you can get access to her computer or work area. you want to find out who she talks to, about what, and see if you can't uncover any info you can use as leverage. i would recommend bugging her phone and keeping a running record of calls (i think you can get transcription services pretty cheap nowadays, check out or after a couple weeks of this you should begin to build a pretty decent picture of what she does, who she hangs out with, and who would miss her. now you are ready for phase two.

      manufacture some sort of problem at work, something to keep her there longer than is usual. do this two or three times so there's some record of this deviation, not just a single event. bonus points if the problem cannot be traced back to you. also, prepare your tools. i would recommend a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, an acetylene cutting torch, some twist ties, duct tape, a multi-meter, eye protection, a 400 watt inverter, some Styrofoam cups, smelling salts, and an egg beater. i would recommend buying anything you are missing with CASH ONLY, as you want to leave as small a paper trail as possible. if you can borrow the tool from relatives so much the better, just make sure you return them PROMPTLY. you also need to prepare your area, so clean away any scraps of paper that have information tying the area to you. also make sure the place is relatively isolated and somewhat soundproof. now you are ready for phase three.

      one of the nights she is working later than usual, chat her up. nothing too much, just enough to get her comfortable. ask her if she wants something to drink. if she declines, press the issue ("you sure do look parched!") and once she relents, get her a cup of whatever she wants. once you have the drink, but before you give it to her, spike it with some animal tranquilizer (I've found hippo tranqs work best for women from accounting departments). she'll drink the doctored drink and then half an hour later you'll be ready to get to work. take her back to the prepared area. tie her down to a stationary object, like a chair or a building support column. run the smelling salts under he nose for a few moments, enough to wake her up. she will still be groggy from the hippo tranqs. while she is in this delirious state, that's when you begin your work. oh, i forgot to mention, make sure you have a mask (rubber Nixion masks work great). walk up to her and start talking unintelligibly (gibberish works great to confuse people still under, think Steve Carrell in Bruce Almighty). end each sentence with a questioning inflection, raising your voice after each question. you should get to a point where you are yelling gibberish and she is crying. this is the point where you grab a printout of the offending spreadsheet. throw it in her lap, with the incorrect account numbers circled in red. yell really loud while pointing at the spreadsheet. she should still be crying, and almost sober. now that she has more of a chance of identifying you, you want to limit your contact. on to phase four.

      get the set of cue cards you prepared earlier and start going through them.

      "you didn't get the account numbers right"
      "for the 8th time this year"
      "we'll see how perfect you are"

      this should reduce her back to tears. while she is crying dump the box of tools in front of her (but out of her reach). start rifling through the tools, holding up the particularly nasty ones for a few seconds so she can get a good look. end with the egg beater, and once you grab it, start laughing maniacally. walk towards her slowly, turning the egg beater in a slow, deliberate fashion. get up next to her, bend down to her ear, and while you hold the twirling egg beater inches from her chin, sing ever so softly:

      "Never gonna give you up
      Never gonna let you down
      Never gonna turn around
      And hurt you."

      that'll teach the bitch.