Portal Swag Proves Existence of Cake

By Chris Faylor, Oct 24, 2008 8:42am PDT Not content with PopCap sending over mere cookies, Microsoft has taken things to the next level in its effort to promote this week's release of Valve's Portal: Still Alive through the Xbox 360's online Xbox Live Arcade platform.

That's right, Microsoft sent over an Aperture Science-branded box of Delicious & Moist Cake Mix, bundled with a hand-written note that promises, "The cake was not a lie."

Of course, leave it to Aperture Science to be a little on the shady side. If you read the fine print for that "Get Your Own Weighted Companion Cube" ad, it's revealed that "this limited-time offer is a complete fabrication." And I'm pretty confident that Aperture just took a box of Betty Crocker Cake Mix and threw a new label on top.

Then again, when it comes to cake, do you think Aperture really cares about ethics? Just look at these ingredients, some of them don't belong in a non-lethal cake:

  • One 18.25 Ounce Package Chocolate Cake Mix
  • One Can Prepared Coconut Pecan Frosting
  • 3/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
  • Four Large Eggs
  • One Cup Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
  • 3/4 Cups Butter or Margarine
  • 1 2/3 Cups Granulated Sugar
  • Two Cups All Purpose Flour

  • Don't forget garnishes such as: fish shaped crackers, fish shaped candies, fish shaped solid waste, fish shaped dirt, fish shaped ethyl benzene, pull and peel licorice, fish shaped organic compounds and sediment shaped sediment, candy coated peanut butter pieces, shaped like fish

  • One Cup Lemon Juice
  • Alpha Resins
  • Unsaturated Polyester Resin
  • Fiberglass Surface Resins
  • Volatile Malted Milk Impoundments
  • Nine Large Egg Yolks

  • Twelve Medium Geosynthetic Membranes
  • One Cup Granulated Sugar
  • An Entry Called 'How to Kill Someone With Your Bare Hands'
  • Two Cups Rhubarb (Sliced)
  • 2/3 Cups Granulated Rhubarb
  • One Tablespoon All-Purpose Rhubarb
  • One Teaspoon Grated Orange Rhubarb
  • Three Tablespoons Rhubarb, On Fire
  • One Cross Borehole Electro-Magnetic Imaging Rhubarb
  • Two Tablespoons Rhubarb Juice

  • Adjustable Aluminum Head Positioner
  • Slaughter Electric Needle Injector
  • Cordless Electric Needle Injector
  • Injector Needle Driver
  • Injector Needle Gun
  • Cranial Caps

    And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

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