Civ Rev Contest: Civilizations Across Gaming

Unit name: President Michael Wilson
Civilization/Organization of Origin: United States (Modern Era with Democracy Government only; spawns during transition to Civil Disorder for any reason)

Offense: Missile Punch (Suck On It™), Flame Of Justice (Always Victorious In The End™); thousands of independently intelligent micro-missiles with HEAT armor-piercing warheads
(How Do You Like Them Now™); the ability to lift and throw any unit in the game as a weapon, including Forts and Cities.
Defense: Ablative armor woven from red, white and blue threads into Justice, a material immune to everything but an enemy Spy.
Movement: Jetpacks - 5 movement, not limited by terrain.
Special Ability: Liberation - At the end of each turn, every city and improvement surrounding Wilson's tile is thoroughly destroyed as Michael frees them from tyranny and oppression.

Link to picture: http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/26232/MWilson_Profile.htm
Description: Once the respected and handsome president of a great democracy, his world was turned upside down when the villainous Vice President, Richard Hawk, took to his own robot armor and usurped the government, painting Wilson as a terrorist. In response, Wilson donned his own armor and proceeded to liberate the entire nation, leaving most of it a smoking crater of freedom. After Wilson's term was up he laid low, waiting for Democracy to fall under siege again... do not threaten democracy, or you may risk his assistance once again.

Unit name: Trips
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Post Apocalyptic California

Offense: Very large shotgun
Defense: A Tribal, as well as a scairdy cat repairman
Movement: 9 Sequence points
Special Ability: Shooting down Starfleet shuttles

Link to picture (optional but awesome): http://www.shackpics.com/files/scr00000CustomJPG_9otkgniliau7d5h2s6a0.jpg
Description (also optional): Enroute to the city of New Reno, Trips and his crew search the bodies of the crew of a downed shuttle and find some space agey Hypos. Who knows what wonders (and new addictions) these drugs will bring our hero?

Unit Name: Settler (Civilization I Version)

Civilization of Origin: Roman, Babylonian, German, Egyptian, American, Greek, Indian, Russian, Zulu, French, Aztec, Chinese, English, Mongol. Also known as "The Original Fourteen".

Offense: 0
Defense: 1
Movement: 1

Special Ability: Settlers were able to make a number of agricultural and industrial improvements for your civilization, acting as engineers. You would place the Settler in the square where the work is to be done and press the a hotkey. They could even heal land that contained pollution!

Link to picture: http://forums.civfanatics.com/images/avatars/Civ1_Settlers.gif

Description: Settlers were used to found cities and is the first unit you see upon starting a new game (occasionally you would get two). You founded a city by pressing the B key on your 100% IBM compatible personal computer keyboard. Pressing B on an existing city with a settler would yield a population of one to that city, although this option was not available on a city with a population of 10 or more. Extremely cheap costing only 40 production hammers and requiring no prerequisites.

Unit name: Seaman
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Ancient Egypt, third dynasty.

Offense: Frequent. Berating. Even your family is not safe from the Seaman.
Defense: Unit can interrupt any attack, question, or comment at any time. Attacks that go through can still be misunderstood, nullifying damage.
Movement: Fishlike.
Special Ability: Insulting your gender. Insulting your age. Insulting your education. Insulting your job. Insulting your sexuality. Insulting your father. Insulting your mother. Insulting your children. Accusing you of masturbating twice a day. Insulting your self-image. Insulting your gaming habits. Insulting the English Language. Etc. Etc.
Special Abilities can only be used once, but there are so many of them, you will probably already be drunk, dead, crying, or arguing with your girlfriend.

Link to picture: http://img135.imageshack.us/my.php?image=seaman1920x1200wq1.jpg
Description: During an expedition along the Nile River, scientist Jean-Paul Gasse found extraordinary bone fragments, mutated in the the shape of a human face. These were the first clues which led to the discovery of Seaman, the extraordinary man-fish we all know and love today. He and his kind are a remarkable example of living, thinking creatur.... "Hey! -- When is your birthday??"

Unit name: Crono
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Japan, Square development studios

Offense: Opens a time portal to kill nearby targeted unit's mother, effectively preventing the birth of the unit.
Defense: If brought to near death, Crono will open a time portal to a random future year. He will reappear after enough game turns have been taken to bring the players to that particular year.
Movement: Lightning fast.
Special Ability: Can travel through time to kill any previously used Great Person, removing whatever effects he or she may have influenced.

Link to picture: http://www.elitistcritic.com/crono2.JPG
Description: Because Crono is as powerful as he is with his blade, there can be only one of him in existence at any given point in time (or space). He is available only to the player who creates the Square Wonder. Unfortunately, time travel is not a perfect science and Crono can get stuck in another time period after using a time portal. However, given time, Square can rescue him from whatever past he may be lost in.

Oh, man. Those Lincoln posters are so awesome.

Unit name: Manuel "Manny" Calavera
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Department of Death, El Marrow, Land of the Dead

Offense: bony fists and a fairly useless scythe (low)
Defense: remarkable luck and determination (high)
Movement: casual stroll / brisk run (average)
Special Ability: the inexplicable ability to take over any business (or ship) and make it hugely successful over the course of a year

Link to picture: http://img131.imageshack.us/my.php?image=mannycalavera200130341aja6.jpg
Description: Manny's got charm and he's not afraid to use it.

BONUS: I don't think he has ever starred in a video game (I do know that the Lincoln Memorial has seen use as a combat robot a few times, though), but here's a Presidential stat block.

Unit name: President Abraham Lincoln
Civilization/Organization of Origin: United States of America

Offense: Mighty fists ("Bring it, boy. I'm going to emancipate your teeth.")
Defense: A body as thin (and tough) as a rail.
Movement: He leaves a trail of freedom in his footsteps
Special Ability: Speechwriting (also, has two faces)

Link to picture: http://img131.imageshack.us/my.php?image=abegg1.jpg
Description: Nothing needs to be said.

Unit Name: Space Invader
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Invaders, From Space (Presumably)

Offence: Moving in tight formation slowly from side to side
Defence: Dropping down one line, altering speed slightly, strength though numbers
Movement: Methodical and predictable
Special Ability: Evasive Veterans - Despite large numbers of casualties, the surviving Space Invaders are often able to evade the last shots fired in defence, 'You were shooting where I was, not where I was going to be!'

Link to Picture: http://www.symbian-freak.com/downloads/freeware/cat_s60_3rd/images/games/spaceinvaders.gif
Description: Like the Roman legions, the Space Invaders rely on discipline and tight formations to ensure the inevitable, if somewhat

Unit name: Shacknews Commenter
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Parental Units Basement/Disappointed Family

Offense: Aggressive Diatribes towards unreleased games, ability to repel women at all costs, throwing sprite, and powerful stench.
Defense: Fallacies, 300 dollar jeans, and Special Edition Video Game XXL T-Shirt
Movement: 0 - Unable to Move/Fixed To Basement Chair
Special Ability: Obsessive use of firearms and Chicken Hoarding

Link to picture: http://tomservo.shackspace.com/chicksvx0.jpg Shackers in the wild. Note their extreme disinterest in the opposite sex (except one...must be a outsider).
Description: Seemingly like a normal human unit but those who are known as the Shacknews Commenter's share several traits that distinguish them from a typical human. Much more prone to issues with women (Although some are purportedly of the male sex, it is difficult to confirm such claims) and can become extremely dangerous to be around when politics are involved. Every year many of these so called "shackers" congregate in Texas for ritualistic bonding and ceremonies. While once presumed to be of mating purposes, it has since been proven that only "self love" occurs at these meetings.

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Unit name: Pyro
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Red/Blu Team

Offense: Flamethrower, shotgun / flare gun , ax
Defense: running away
Movement: medium - fast
Special Ability: Hadouken

Link to picture: http://internetsiao.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/tf2-pyro-candle-holder.jpg
Description: Probably a women in a rubber suit, what's not to love about that? (no fatties)

Unit name: Freedom Craft, Mk. 2
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Manifest through the strength of its pure will through the primoridal ooze of Democracy.

Offense: Brunt melee force, +5 damage.
Defense: A thick, unbreakable shell that is invulnerable to any worldly material.
Movement: Full movement across any two-dimensional plane; the Freedom Craft knows no limits to its range.
Special Ability: Emits a painful, piercing shriek when it comes in contact with an immobile object.

Link to picture: http://polycat.net/g/v/trent/misc/freedomcraftmk2.png.html (Seen in between the middle divider and the mobile unmovable object on the right).
Description: The Freedom Craft, Mk. 2 was invented in 1972 as a means of waging constant war with Freedom and Slavery in an epic battle the likes of which the world had never seen before. It has yet to win that battle, constantly being thrown back and forth between its world's two mortal enemies.

Did this game ever get patched?

Unit name: Contra Grunt
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Red Falcon

Offense: 1
Defense: 1
Movement: 3
Special Ability: Can jump to avoid being shot. If unit runs off a cliff, unit will re-appear at the top of the screen unharmed.

Link to picture: http://www.enkidulives.com/ContraDude.JPG
Description: The proudest moment of my youth was when I got the backpack and red coat of a Private in the Red Falcon Army. Sure, the weapon we were provided with was a tiny pistol that shot a slow-moving ball, easily avoided. We were all assured, however, that any infiltrators of the Island would suffer instant death as a result of being hit by this projectile. My recruiting class was drilled in the standard tactics of the Red Falcon Infantry: run from left to right , jump to avoid any bullets, and if necessary, walk off cliffs to distract any invaders.

Unit name: Duke Nukem
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Apogee

Offense: Balls of Steel
Defense: Balls of Steel
Movement: Depends on his gum level
Special Ability: Rips off heads and shits down necks

Link to picture: http://www.teamteabag.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/duke_nukem_004.jpg
Description: Duke Nukem is the pinnicle of ass kicking, bubblegum chewing, and saving our women. He spends half his time working out and the other half saving the world. Sometimes he'll sleep while he works out in order to dream up all his witty lines because he doesn't believe in hiring writers.

I assume the "this and this" part is supposed to be linked to the screenshots?

Unit name: Mario
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Mario Brothers

Offense: Jumping onto enemies
Defense: Can get it only once, if unit has a mushroom.
Movement: Walks, but unit can run by holding down the 'B' button
Special Ability: Can shoot fireballs if unit possess flower

Link to picture: http://bp2.blogger.com/_s60iXTz7PmY/Ru6kFzy_7II/AAAAAAAAABs/QyFy67YzbuU/s1600-h/300px-Mario.svg.png
Description: The fiercest combatant in all of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario’s main purpose in life is to save the princess. Sometimes with the help of his brother Luigi, Mario is quick to fell many of the strongest opponent including gumbas, turtles, and the notorious hammer brothers on his way to save the princess from the evil clutches of King Koopa.

Unit name: Head Crab
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Xen!

Offense: Gnawing on ones face.
Defense: Hiding behind cliché level decoration *destructible crate*
Movement: Mostly jumping – usually combined with a noise somewhat similar to that of a rodent
Special Ability: Unparalleled ability to scare the shit out of you!

Link to picture (optional but awesome): http://developer.valvesoftware.com/w/images/5/54/Headcrab.jpg
Description (also optional): Small, resembles a crab, arguably cute. Keep away from hands and face!

Unit name: LOLcat
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Internet

Offense: Loss of spelling ability
Defense: Cuteness
Movement: As fast as the tubes go
Special Ability: Distract enemy troops for a turn

Link to picture (optional but awesome): http://erroraccessdenied.com/files/images/xmen.preview.jpg
Description (also optional): Lol k so dis is a lolkitteh n itz SO kewt! Ur civishun s DED!

Unit name: Ice Climber
Civilization/Organization of Origin: Snowy mountain top

Offense: Wooden mallet used to break colorful ice
Defense: Running away, snuggly blue or pink parka
Movement: A bouncy waddling
Special Ability: Clubbing seals

Link to picture: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/119/315093711_d51ed27719.jpg?v=0

Those posters look awesome, kudos to graphic designers. I want one of Breckon's Revolution.