Dumbass Stories

I remember one time I went in for an operation, and when I came out my boobies were really big!

I am going to change one letter in each of these dumbass stories and make a book out of it, Steven King style! Woo! :)

here is my story, its not too terible...i live in cleveland ohio, you will see why that is important, but anyways a year or so ago me and my buddies were hangin out late at night at a dennys, tryin to figure out something to do..well they were from detroit and , we got this bright idea to steal the e.99 sign (bone thugs and harmony gew up, and always sing about) so we make the journey into the hood tryin to get this sign. i was standin on my frinds shoulders tryin to unscrew this thing with no luck, while my other freind waitin in the car (we needed a quick exit) i could not for the life of me unscrew this rusted sign so i got down and was like lets just forget it, then the friend who i was standing on (not the brightest kid) just grabbed the whole pole and shoved it in the trunk...being the good kids, we were scared shitless being there...we drove to a nearby park, unscrewed the top of it and flew home as fast as possible....its not that big of deal i guess, but it does make a nice trophy!!!

Even now I curse the day--and yet, I think,
Few come within the compass of my curse,--
Wherein I did not some notorious ill,
As kill a man, or else devise his death,
Ravish a maid, or plot the way to do it,
Accuse some innocent and forswear myself,
Set deadly enmity between two friends,
Make poor men's cattle break their necks;
Set fire on barns and hay-stacks in the night,
And bid the owners quench them with their tears.
Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves,
And set them upright at their dear friends' doors,
Even when their sorrows almost were forgot;
And on their skins, as on the bark of trees,
Have with my knife carved in Roman letters,
'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.'
Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things
As willingly as one would kill a fly,
And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
But that I cannot do ten thousand more.

i remember when i was 8 or something like that.. i pushed one of the 'special' children in a big ass pool of mud. fwoom! nobody thought it was funny. a friggin army of kids chased me around the whole school grounds but i was too fast for them.

when we were younger, me and my friends would bend over and breathe real heavy and make the blood rush to our heads and get real dizzy then stand upright and let someone squeeze our necks till we passed out. you would wake up a few minutes later all dizzy and numb feeling. i wonder how many brain cells we murdered doing that.

man being a kid owned.

this one time when there was road construction on our local interstate and there were those orange barrels everywhere, we took them and made the entire road closed to traffic. we didn't stick around to see what happened, but i still wonder to this day who's night we ruined.

i was out with this girl on new years eve about 6 years ago.. we went with a bunch of friends to some redneck bar and got fucking smashed.. anyway, its like 11:55pm, right? almost time to start getting busy with the girl. right as we're fixing to kiss, she stops everything.. and fucking projectiles on me. omg i was soaked. my shirt and pants were completely covered. it was like that part in the exorcist with the pea green soup, except it was white and it reeked of vodka. i was so mad.
i went around to the tables near me and just blindly told people "SHE FUCKIN PUKED ON ME, MAN! LOOK AT THIS SHIT!" .. they would either laugh or cover their mouth. that made me feel a bit better.

when i was in college, there was this chick in one of my classes that i never talked to. one night me and some friends were out in baton rouge and she was there and she came up and started talking to me. to make a long story short, we did it later that night. then for the rest of the semester it was like nothing happened... we would say hello but thats about it. i wish i had more random 1 night sex stories to share, but i must not be that cool.

as chuck "the sherminator" sherman said in American Pie:

it was just my time... it was just my time.

one time we had a bunch of girls hanging out with us at my friends older brothers house. they all wanted daquris (sp?) so we went to the shop and bought a gallon and we got like 10 extra shots of booze added to it and of course we didn't let the girls in on this. to make a long story short, we all got laid that night. yeah buddy!

This one night at a party a bunch of us had a tad too much to drink, so we decided to go walking around our area to walk it off a bit.

We're walking down this main street, when we see this bus stop chair, which is made of like solid rock. We thought it would be hilarious to put it out in the middle of the road.

We did it, and forgot about it and walked away. A couple of minutes later, when we were just far enough away that we couldn't see it, we heard a rather large crashing noise. Oops. Glass and shit everywhere at the spot the next morning.

BTW #351, had that happen to myself a couple of times.

when we were young we used to play this stupid game where we rode our bikes in circles on the highway late at night and when a car came the last one to keep doing circles as the car approached wins. kinda like a weird version of chicken. anyway, one night we were doing this and we all chickened out except for this one dood and the car that was coming ended up being a cop. he kicked on his spotlight and overheads and chased us. we got away. we were like the viet kong back then... we had an intricate network of trails running through all the woods back then. i think we called it the circle game of some shit like that.

once upon a time there was this chick and she was good looking and build like a brick shithouse and stuff and she liked me and stuff,but I was to shy to even talk to her - that was dum,could have got laid.

one time I thought it was a fart , but it wasn't ,that was dum and it had to do with my ass. What a mess.

one time when I had nothing to do I posted in the dumass stories post at the shack and everyone thought it was ghey.

me and this girl i knew drove to holiday inn at about 3am and got naked and jumped in the pool. it was one of those pools that went outside and inside through a little opening in the back wall. that was cool.
a security guard almost caught us. that would have been uncool.

one time one of my friends older sisters friends was going to drive me back to my house because it was late. this was before i had my license and was a virgin by the way. she passed my house and went to an empty neighborhood and unzipped my pants and gave me a hummer and then we did it. i was like OMG. i wish i had that problem now.

i used to let my friend steal stuff from radio shack. i almost got busted by the district manager after letting my friend steal a $2k computer. that sucked.

this guy i know used to let me steal shit from radio shack. there's nothing better than free shit from radio shack.

one night during a 'scavenger hunt' we uprooted some guys mailbox and layed it in the street. 4x4 and all. dont ask why. i was 17.

one time i drove my car down this road that was covered with water from a flooded nearby river. we sunk my car and it started to float away. we had to hold it on the road and carry it to safety. after the engine got over its vapor lock it worked fine. even my speakers dried and still sounded good. that was dumb.

one year i was punished for bad grades and i couldn't go to mardi gras so i went and hung out with this chick and i got laid. that was a good day.

one night we broke into a house that was for sale and took all the light bulbs out of it.

Once while i was learning to drive i took the company car home and took it to NY, while there i parked in a parking space about a foot to small and while coming out took off a large portion of the paintjob i parked the car at work at like 6am and pretended like i didnt know what happened

one night we were on acid at a hotel in new orleans and my friend found this chick in another room passed out. she left the door open. she was buck ass naked on the bed and my friend stuck a make-up brush in her hooch and she woke up. i have never seen such a thing. then he jumped in the pool in his drawers while it was like 30 degrees outside. that was one fucked up night.

hey kids... don't do drugs.

one night we did mushrooms and i was to do it with this chick that i was doing at the time but the shrooms made my dong not work so i was gonna let my friend do her out of the niceness of my heart but he was on shrooms to and he couldnt do it either. imagine what she felt. 2 guys and neither could get it up. she was probably scarred for life.

another night we inhaled a can of freon. that was stupid

one night we inhaled a can of scotch guard. that was stupid.

one night, i was to do it with this chick and i decided not to and let my friend do her. he got the clap. phew.

one night i fingered this chick through her window. this was in the pre-getting laid days.

one night we watched our friends mom get dressed from outside of her window. she was a young hottie mom.

this one time we were to sneak this chick out of her house and her mom greeted us with a 9mm. we said, "is XXXXXX home?" she was unhappy with us.

one night my friend did it with this chick on top of his van in the front row of the drive in movie theatre.

one night i pooed in the middle of a highway and a car ran over it.