Nicholas, I beg of you. Please call this whole thing off. I don't want to hurt you. You are not invincible. I don't want to do this. Don't make me hurt you. Please.

Maybe this song, written with sincere apologies to Flight of the Conchords, will help:

Hey there Nick, I see you looking down

Don't wanna see my little buddy down with a frown

Just because Sponge gets more traffic than you

Well that's only because they don't know you like I do

Sure you're weedy and kinda sly

But some site out there must be needy for a weedy sly guy

They want you as the needle when they're rolling in the hay

Just hear me out when I say

Nick, you've got it going on

Everyone gets to know your personality

When they get to know your masochistic tendency

I said Nick, you've got it going on

Not in a gay way

Just in a hey man, I wanted to say

That you're doing okay way

Why can't a Shacknews guy tell a Shacknews guy

That he thinks his actions were fly

Not all the time, obviously

Just when he's got a problem with his self-esteem

Don't let anybody tell you you're not hirable

Because you're desirable

Well I hope this doesn't make you feel uncomfortable

If I say you have a boom ow ow

Come on Nick, help me out now

Nick, you've got it going on

Well that's the conclusion that I've come to

But that doesn't mean that I want to hurt you

Nick, you've got it going on

No doubt about it

We'd be getting crazy

If one of us was lucky enough to be born a lady

Oooooh if one of us was a lady

And I was your man, if I was your man

Well sometimes it gets lonely

And I ne-heed a woman

And I imagine you with some bosoms

In fact, one time when we touring

And I was really lonely

And we were sharing that twin room in the hotel

I put a wig on you

When you were sleeping I put a wig on you

And I just laid there and spooned you

Oh, Nick you've got it going on.