This Crazy Industry (Pilot Spec)
"THIS CRAZY INDUSTRY" PILOT SPEC FADE IN: INT. KUTARAGI'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (DAY 1) (Ken Kutaragi) KUTARAGI IS PREPARING A BARBECUE FOR HIS COLLEAGUES USING SOME KIND OF SHINY FUTURISTIC APPLIANCE. KUTARAGI (FLIPPING A BURGER) I can't wait for Allard and Iwata to show up! They'll see how much better my grill is. Not that they could afford one of their own! Ha! A KNOCK IS HEARD ON THE DOOR. KUTARAGI (CONT'D) Who is-- BEFORE HE CAN FINISH THE QUESTION, J ALLARD, MICROSOFT CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF XNA ARCHITECT, BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR. HE HAS A SHAVED HEAD AND IS WEARING A LEATHER JACKET AND SHADES. HE LOOKS QUITE EXTREME. ALLARD (GIVES THE FONZIE THUMBS UP) Heeeeeey! What's up, bitches!? KUTARAGI (DOES A DOUBLE TAKE) Allard! You--you shaved your hair off? Why are you wearing all that leather? What did you do?! Your head looks like a pe-- ALLARD (NONCHALANT) Man, on the way over, I was listening to the most extreme music, I mean you don't even know. I'm telling you I can listen to whatever I want, whenever I want, that's the kind of freedom I have, man. KUTARAGI (STILL BEWILDERED) Where's Ballmer? I thought you were both coming over so I could meet him? ALLARD What? Oh, when we were leaving our apartment, Ballmer kept trying to get me to dress warm and stuff, you know 'cause it's cold out, and he started screaming "YOU'LL CATCH YOUR DEATH OF COLD" in my ear again and again and stomping around and shit, but I wasn't having any of it, man. I mean I can choose what I want to wear at any time, so I was all "Buzz off, Ballmer! Go hang out with your developers or something!" and he looked all shocked and stuff. Man, I really burned him there I think. That was extreme, right? (ALLARD STARTS TO LOOK A BIT WORRIED, QUESTIONING HIS OWN EXTREMITY) I put like three spoilers on my car, do you think that's enough? I made it so I can switch out the spoilers whenever I want, you know, just in case. Or I can have it with no spoilers, it's totally up to me. I hope that doesn't lead to any structural problems or anything. KUTARAGI (EXASPERATED, UNDER HIS BREATH) I can't wait to get back to Japan... ALLARD Japan? Oh man, I love Japan. Next time I go there everyone is totally going to realize how awesome I am. Anyway, where's the food? I have a seriously extreme hunger right now. You're still cooking it? KUTARAGI Yes. You know, this food is not for everyone. It takes time to make properly. Not everybody is able to properly digest it, but for those who can it will be a truly sublime experience. ALLARD Yeah, whatever. What's that thing you're making it with? It looks like a-- KUTARAGI It's not a game console!!! ALLARD What? Chill, man, I never said it was. KUTARAGI It is a versatile and complex part of the household! IT IS NOT A GAME CONSOLE! ALLARD Sweet, I guess. What's it do besides grill stuff? KUTARAGI (KUTARAGI FUMES) You wouldn't even understand. It's an elegant and revolutionary lifestyle element. ALLARD Ha ha, revolutionary! That's what Iwata kept saying! Man, speaking of Iwata, wasn't he supposed to bring some food over? I'm starving, man! KUTARAGI Of course, he's been hyping it for months, ever since we planned this barbecue. Apparently, it's going to give everyone a new perspective and a new way of enjoying food. It's a quaint idea, to be sure, but it is completely irrelevant in the face of what I am preparing. ALLARD Man, I don't even know what you're talking about. Loosen up or something, you know, be more extreme. KUTARAGI (FRUSTRATED) That doesn't even make sense! ALLARD (WAVES HIS HAND IN DISMISSAL) Whatever. Got any Mountain Dew? KUTARAGI (SCOFFING) Ha! Like I would caught dead with such a plebeian beverage! ALLARD Why's Iwata so late, man? Is he even coming? We haven't heard from him in months, except for all those stupid Photoshops he keeps sending us of robotic squirrels marching across drawbridges and cats in flowerpots and stuff. THE DOOR IS OPENED CAUTIOUSLY AND SATORU IWATA, PRESIDENT OF NINTENDO COMPANY LTD., ENTERS THE APARTMENT, CARRYING A PLASTIC FOOD CONTAINER IN BOTH HANDS. IWATA (BEAMING) Hello, everybody! KUTARAGI Greetings. ALLARD (PERFORMING SOME KIND OF CRAZY HAND GESTURE) What's up, man!? IWATA Allard! You... You... Your head looks like a pe-- ALLARD Enough, man! Geez! You guys are so lame! You should be more extreme. Not that anyone could be more extreme than J Allard! Heeeeeeeeey! IWATA Ha ha! The Allard extreme special surprise! ALLARD Uh, sure. (RUNS HIS HAND OVER SCALP WHILE LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY) IWATA (PUTS HIS BOX DOWN ON THE COUNTER) You will be so pleased and overjoyed by my contribution! It will touch your heart, I say for sure. Like J Allard's shiny head, it is a special surprise. KUTARAGI (ROLLS EYES) Here he goes again... IWATA I remember when I was a young boy, I would go to the candy store, and there would always be a special surprise! But sometimes, a dog will intrude upon your experience in the store, and you will feel like your heart is sinking. We are providing an answer to that! ALLARD An answer to what? Who's we? You're confusing me, man! IWATA Ha ha! An enticing and mysterious conundrum! ALLARD (YELLING) Man, give me the food! I'm friggin hungry over here! ALLARD GRABS THE BOX AND RIPS IT OPEN, FINDING A RATHER BLAND TOFU CASSEROLE. ALLARD (CONT'D) Oh, come on, man! What is this shit? This is your big surprise? I want some real food, man! IWATA Ha, ha! Here, I am presenting you with our wonderful and friendly curiosity! IWATA PRODUCES A LONG THIN CANISTER, WHICH HE HANDS TO ALLARD. ALLARD What's this? Pringles? I guess Pringles are sort of extreme. ALLARD OPENS THE CANISTER, AND A COMPRESSED PAPER SNAKE FLIES OUT AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE. IWATA (SMILING ENORMOUSLY) Now Allard has found the special surprise! ALLARD (SEVERLY STARTLED) Whoooaaaaaaa! ALLARD IS SO SURPRISED THAT HE FALLS BACKWARDS OUT OF HIS CHAIR, KNOCKING OVER KUTARAGI'S BARBECUE. KUTARAGI IS FURIOUS. KUTARAGI You-- IWATA (STILL SMILING) You are experiencing our revolutionary new way of receiving satisfaction! KUTARAGI (ANGRILY TRYING TO INTERJECT) Wh-- ALLARD (HORRIFIED AND FLUSTERED) Dude, my jacket! It better not be scuffed or anything! You don't even know how long I spent with my personal lifestyle trainer last week! KUTARAGI (STILL ANGRY) I-- IWATA Like I have been announcing with great vigor, you will feel new emotions and have new desires! ALLARD Yeah, like the desire to...uh...punch you in the face! Oh man, owned. KUTARAGI (RAGE FINALLY BOILS OVER) I've had enough of you two! You're imbeciles, both of you! I don't even know why I waste my time! Arrgghhhhh! IWATA (HAS A CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE) Kutaragi, it is seeming to me like you need a soothing melody to bring yourself out of the pit of despair that is engulfing your heart. I think I understand! When I was a young boy, I once had seven goldfish-- KUTARAGI SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! ALLARD Dude, I should introduce you to Ballmer. I think you two would totally get along. I mean, there's extreme, then there's EXTREME. KUTARAGI I'm leaving! I can't take it anymore! Soon you will all be sorry you didn't listen! You just wait and see! KUTARAGI PUSHES HIS GLASSES HIGHER UP ON HIS NOSE, SNIFFLES, AND STORMS OUT OF THE APARTMENT, SLAMMING THE DOOR ALLARD Whoa, that guy needs a chill pill! Shit, do people still say that or not? IWATA Ha, ha! Hamburgers! Kutaragi leaves us with a special surprise! ALLARD Whatever, man. Let's eat. ALLARD AND IWATA CHEW ON THEIR BURGERS FOR A FEW MOMENTS, GAZING AROUND KUTARAGI'S FUTURISTIC APARTMENT. IWATA (LOOKS OVER AT ALLARD) Allard, you have not explained YOUR surprise! Your head, it looks like a pe-- ALLARD A penis? Fuck yeah. A huge one. FADE OUT.-by Chris Remo, with thanks to Jake Rodkin
From The Chatty
-
Haha, nice save. This is classic.
-