This Crazy Industry (Pilot Spec)

66

 "THIS CRAZY INDUSTRY" PILOT SPEC

FADE IN:

INT. KUTARAGI'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON (DAY 1) (Ken Kutaragi)

KUTARAGI IS PREPARING A BARBECUE FOR HIS COLLEAGUES USING SOME KIND OF SHINY FUTURISTIC APPLIANCE.

KUTARAGI

(FLIPPING A BURGER) I can't wait for Allard

and Iwata to show up!  They'll see how much

better my grill is.  Not that they could

afford one of their own!  Ha!

A KNOCK IS HEARD ON THE DOOR.

KUTARAGI (CONT'D)

Who is--

BEFORE HE CAN FINISH THE QUESTION, J ALLARD, MICROSOFT CORPORATE VICE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF XNA ARCHITECT, BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR.  HE HAS A SHAVED HEAD AND IS WEARING A LEATHER JACKET AND SHADES.  HE LOOKS QUITE EXTREME.

ALLARD

(GIVES THE FONZIE THUMBS UP) Heeeeeey!

What's up, bitches!?

KUTARAGI

(DOES A DOUBLE TAKE) Allard!  You--you

shaved your hair off?  Why are you wearing all

that leather?  What did you do?!  Your head

looks like a pe--

ALLARD

(NONCHALANT) Man, on the way over, I was

listening to the most extreme music, I

mean you don't even know.  I'm telling you

I can listen to whatever I want, whenever

I want, that's the kind of freedom I have,

man.

KUTARAGI

(STILL BEWILDERED) Where's Ballmer?  I

thought you were both coming over so I

could meet him?

ALLARD

What? Oh, when we were leaving our

apartment, Ballmer kept trying to get me to

dress warm and stuff, you know 'cause it's

cold out, and he started screaming "YOU'LL

CATCH YOUR DEATH OF COLD" in my ear again

and again and stomping around and shit, but

I wasn't having any of it, man.  I mean I

can choose what I want to wear at any time,

so I was all "Buzz off, Ballmer! Go hang out

with your developers or something!" and he

looked all shocked and stuff.  Man, I really

burned him there I think.  That was extreme,

right?

(ALLARD STARTS TO LOOK A BIT WORRIED, QUESTIONING HIS OWN EXTREMITY)

I put like three spoilers on my car, do you

think that's enough?  I made it so I can

switch out the spoilers whenever I want, you

know, just in case.  Or I can have it with

no spoilers, it's totally up to me.  I hope

that doesn't lead to any structural problems

or anything.

KUTARAGI

(EXASPERATED, UNDER HIS BREATH) I can't wait

to get back to Japan...

ALLARD

Japan?  Oh man, I love Japan.  Next time I

go there everyone is totally going to

realize how awesome I am.  Anyway, where's

the food?  I have a seriously extreme hunger

right now.  You're still cooking it?

KUTARAGI

Yes.  You know, this food is not for

everyone.  It takes time to make properly.

Not everybody is able to properly digest it,

but for those who can it will be a truly

sublime experience.

ALLARD

Yeah, whatever.  What's that thing you're

making it with?  It looks like a--

KUTARAGI

It's not a game console!!!

ALLARD

What?  Chill, man, I never said it was.

KUTARAGI

It is a versatile and complex part of the

household!  IT IS NOT A GAME CONSOLE!

ALLARD

Sweet, I guess.  What's it do besides grill

stuff?

KUTARAGI

(KUTARAGI FUMES) You wouldn't even

understand.  It's an elegant and

revolutionary lifestyle element.

ALLARD

Ha ha, revolutionary!  That's what Iwata

kept saying!  Man, speaking of Iwata, wasn't

he supposed to bring some food over?  I'm

starving, man!

KUTARAGI

Of course, he's been hyping it for months,

ever since we planned this barbecue.

Apparently, it's going to give everyone a

new perspective and a new way of enjoying

food.  It's a quaint idea, to be sure, but

it is completely irrelevant in the face of

what I am preparing.

ALLARD

Man, I don't even know what you're talking

about.  Loosen up or something, you know, be

more extreme.

KUTARAGI

(FRUSTRATED) That doesn't even make sense!

ALLARD

(WAVES HIS HAND IN DISMISSAL) Whatever.  Got

any Mountain Dew?

KUTARAGI

(SCOFFING) Ha! Like I would caught dead with

such a plebeian beverage!

ALLARD

Why's Iwata so late, man?  Is he even

coming?  We haven't heard from him in

months, except for all those stupid

Photoshops he keeps sending us of robotic

squirrels marching across drawbridges and

cats in flowerpots and stuff.

THE DOOR IS OPENED CAUTIOUSLY AND SATORU IWATA, PRESIDENT OF NINTENDO COMPANY LTD., ENTERS THE APARTMENT, CARRYING A PLASTIC FOOD CONTAINER IN BOTH HANDS.

IWATA

(BEAMING) Hello, everybody!

KUTARAGI

Greetings.

ALLARD

(PERFORMING SOME KIND OF CRAZY HAND GESTURE)

What's up, man!?

IWATA

Allard!  You... You... Your head looks like

a pe--

ALLARD

Enough, man!  Geez!  You guys are so lame!

You should be more extreme.  Not that anyone

could be more extreme than J Allard!

Heeeeeeeeey!

IWATA

Ha ha!  The Allard extreme special surprise!

ALLARD

Uh, sure.  (RUNS HIS HAND OVER SCALP WHILE

LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY)

IWATA

(PUTS HIS BOX DOWN ON THE COUNTER) You will

be so pleased and overjoyed by my

contribution!  It will touch your heart, I

say for sure.  Like J Allard's shiny head,

it is a special surprise.

KUTARAGI

(ROLLS EYES) Here he goes again...

IWATA

I remember when I was a young boy, I would

go to the candy store, and there would

always be a special surprise!  But

sometimes, a dog will intrude upon your

experience in the store, and you will feel

like your heart is sinking.  We are

providing an answer to that!

ALLARD

An answer to what?  Who's we?  You're

confusing me, man!

IWATA

Ha ha!  An enticing and mysterious

conundrum!

ALLARD

(YELLING) Man, give me the food!  I'm

friggin hungry over here!

ALLARD GRABS THE BOX AND RIPS IT OPEN, FINDING A RATHER BLAND TOFU CASSEROLE.

ALLARD (CONT'D)

Oh, come on, man!  What is this shit?  This

is your big surprise?  I want some real

food, man!

IWATA

Ha, ha!  Here, I am presenting you with our

wonderful and friendly curiosity!

IWATA PRODUCES A LONG THIN CANISTER, WHICH HE HANDS TO ALLARD.

ALLARD

What's this?  Pringles?  I guess Pringles

are sort of extreme.

ALLARD OPENS THE CANISTER, AND A COMPRESSED PAPER SNAKE FLIES OUT AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE.

IWATA

(SMILING ENORMOUSLY) Now Allard has found

the special surprise!

ALLARD

(SEVERLY STARTLED) Whoooaaaaaaa!

ALLARD IS SO SURPRISED THAT HE FALLS BACKWARDS OUT OF HIS CHAIR, KNOCKING OVER KUTARAGI'S BARBECUE.  KUTARAGI IS FURIOUS.

KUTARAGI

You--

IWATA

(STILL SMILING) You are experiencing our

revolutionary new way of receiving

satisfaction!

KUTARAGI

(ANGRILY TRYING TO INTERJECT) Wh--

ALLARD

(HORRIFIED AND FLUSTERED) Dude, my jacket!

It better not be scuffed or anything!  You

don't even know how long I spent with my

personal lifestyle trainer last week!

KUTARAGI

(STILL ANGRY) I--

IWATA

Like I have been announcing with great

vigor, you will feel new emotions and have

new desires!

ALLARD

Yeah, like the desire to...uh...punch you in

the face!  Oh man, owned.

KUTARAGI

(RAGE FINALLY BOILS OVER) I've had enough of

you two!  You're imbeciles, both of you!  I

don't even know why I waste my time!

Arrgghhhhh!

IWATA

(HAS A CONCERNED LOOK ON HIS FACE) Kutaragi,

it is seeming to me like you need a soothing

melody to bring yourself out of the pit of

despair that is engulfing your heart.  I

think I understand!  When I was a young boy,

I once had seven goldfish--

KUTARAGI

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

ALLARD

Dude, I should introduce you to Ballmer.  I

think you two would totally get along.  I

mean, there's extreme, then there's EXTREME.

KUTARAGI

I'm leaving!  I can't take it anymore!  Soon

you will all be sorry you didn't listen!

You just wait and see!

KUTARAGI PUSHES HIS GLASSES HIGHER UP ON HIS NOSE, SNIFFLES, AND STORMS OUT OF THE APARTMENT, SLAMMING THE DOOR

ALLARD

Whoa, that guy needs a chill pill! Shit, do

people still say that or not?

IWATA

Ha, ha!  Hamburgers!  Kutaragi leaves us

with a special surprise!

ALLARD

Whatever, man.  Let's eat.

ALLARD AND IWATA CHEW ON THEIR BURGERS FOR A FEW MOMENTS, GAZING AROUND KUTARAGI'S FUTURISTIC APARTMENT.

IWATA

(LOOKS OVER AT ALLARD) Allard, you have not

explained YOUR surprise!  Your head, it

looks like a pe--

ALLARD

A penis?  Fuck yeah.  A huge one.

FADE OUT. 
-by Chris Remo, with thanks to Jake Rodkin

From The Chatty
  • reply
    August 31, 2005 8:36 AM

    Haha, nice save. This is classic.

    • reply
      August 31, 2005 8:37 AM

      "This Crazy Remo" Pilot Spec

      • reply
        August 31, 2005 8:47 AM

        Television. Quite a bit of work experience...

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